Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I get in fewer arguments when I'm alone.
The definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
You know, in politics when you come in third, it's a win.
I hate it when my hair is engaged in unauthorized activities.
I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.
I'm thankful that my memory is good because my vision is going.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
The truth is libraries are raucous clubhouses for free speech, controversy and community.
I have short-term memory loss, though I'd like to think of it as Persidential eligibility.
My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.
I think we need a 12-step group for non-stop talkers. We're going to call it On and On Anon.
I'll probably never have children because I don't believe in touching people for any reason.
I used to work at The International House of Pancakes. It was a dream, and I made it happen.
I have terrible short-term memory loss, which I like to think of as Presidential eligibility.
I know a little bit about handicapping. If the horse has an IV, you want to stay - away from it.
The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
Adults are always asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because they are looking for ideas.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
Gay Republicans, how exactly does that work? 'We disapprove of our own lifestyle. We beat ourselves up in parking lots.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I was court-ordered to Alcoholics Anonymous on television. Pretty much blows the hell out of the second A, wouldn't you say?
When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.
I'm thankful for Sarah Palin's vice presidential bid, which taught us that Alaska is not in a box off the coast of California.
Once I was gone for a month and I was just miserable, so I flew back from Florida for two hours just to be home and see my cats.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.
I got my dog three years ago because I was drunk in a pet store. We had nine cats at the time. The cats started hiding the alcohol after that.
Remember when you were considered an environmentalist when you didn't throw junk out the car window? I sure do miss that simpler, happier time.
I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.
I have a horrible memory and I used to consider that a liability, but I've learned along the way that talking to people is really a beautiful thing.
I have a very silly sense of humor. I've never laughed harder in my entire life than seeing someone with toilet paper stuck on the bottom of their shoe.
When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.
What moron said that knowledge is power? Knowledge is power only if it doesn't depress you so much that it leaves you in an immobile heap at the end of your bed.
It is the best part of the night. The classic interactive lines are 'Where are you from? What do you do for a living?' I almost always get something interesting.
My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name and apparently that's the key to the whole thing right there. I go in every few weeks and guess.
If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.
I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.