Quotes by Paul Merton - Page 1

Have you ever had sex with a horse?
Paul Merton / Writer
Horse
Sex
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I really don't take any interest at all in contemporary comedy.
Paul Merton / Writer
Comedy
Contemporary
Interest
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Well, sanity, I suppose, is getting people to see the world your way.
Paul Merton / Writer
People
Sanity
Way
World
World People Way
Suppose
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I don't consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.
Paul Merton / Writer
Fashion
Victim
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And like the old stereotype, I overcame my shyness by making my friends laugh.
Paul Merton / Writer
Laughing
Shyness
Stereotype
Overcame
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All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds - I can't stand Noel Edmonds.
Paul Merton / Writer
Jockeys
Noel
Talent
Disc
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I don't always vote in general elections, but I think I've always voted Labour.
Paul Merton / Writer
Election
Labour
Thinking
Vote
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Am I allowed to call myself working-class now? Because obviously I'm now very rich.
Paul Merton / Writer
Class
Rich
Working Class
Allowed
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In fact, I don't watch a lot of contemporary comedy for fear of being influenced by it.
Paul Merton / Writer
Comedy
Contemporary
Facts
Watches
Influenced
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I think having an outsider's viewpoint is interesting and good, especially for a comedian.
Paul Merton / Writer
Comedian
Interesting
Thinking
Outsider
Viewpoint
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I've never been disappointed by politicians. I've never invested that much in them in the first place.
Paul Merton / Writer
Disappointed
Firsts
Politician
Never Place First
Politicians
First Place
Invested
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I remember being fascinated by the very nature of comedy from the age of 10; why is this funny, and that isn't?
Paul Merton / Writer
Age
Comedy
Fascinated
Remember
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When I turned about 12 or 13, I realised that being funny wasn't about remembering jokes. It was about creating them.
Paul Merton / Writer
Being Funny
Creating
Realised
Remember
Remembering
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If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.
Paul Merton / Writer
Cheating
Comedian
Laughter
People
Canned
Circuit
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When I wake up on a Monday morning and I realise I don't have to go and work at the civil service, I really think I've won.
Paul Merton / Writer
Morning
Civil Service
Monday
Monday Morning
Thinking
Wake Up
Civil
Won
Realise
Wake
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When I used to do the Edinburgh Festival, there was a bunch of guys selling fresh oysters and I'd eat ten daily - marvellous.
Paul Merton / Writer
Bunch
Edinburgh
Guy
Marvellous
Oysters
Selling
Daily
Festival
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I was trying to organise my DVDs into a sort of chronological order, and I am afraid that it all trailed off after the Sixties.
Paul Merton / Writer
Dvds
Order
Trying
Chronological
Organise
Sixties
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I'll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I've never got over it.
Paul Merton / Writer
Firsts
Never Forget
Over It
Potatoes
School
Potato
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The thing about improvisation is that it's not about what you say. It's listening to what other people say. It's about what you hear.
Paul Merton / Writer
Beautiful Day
Improvisation
Listening
People
Hear
People Say
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On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't, he said: Do you mind if I mug you here?
Paul Merton / Writer
New York
Central Park
Humorous
New Day
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On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn't he said, 'Do you mind if I mug you here?'.
Paul Merton / Writer
New York
Central Park
Guy
Mug
Mind Me Day
Asked
Central
Park
York
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My school days were the happiest days of my life; which should give you some indication of the misery I've endured over the past twenty-five years.
Paul Merton / Writer
Indication
Misery
Past
School
School Days
Should
Twenty Five
Years
Life Past My Life
Days
Endured
Give
Happiest
Over
My Life
Some
Which
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If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there is no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don't tell me you haven't done it.
Paul Merton / Writer
Done
House
Paper
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When I was nine I spent a lot of my time reading books about the history of comedy, or listening to the Goons or Hancock, humour from previous generations.
Paul Merton / Writer
Book
Generations
Humour
Listening
My Time
Nine
Reading
Reading Books
Previous
Time Reading
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I read every book about Buster Keaton and Chaplin to see how they worked - it's all about dedication, tunnel vision, pursuit of perfection, getting the gag right.
Paul Merton / Writer
Chaplin
Pursuit
Tunnel Vision
Vision
Buster
Gag
Tunnel
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My favourite riposte to a heckle is to say, 'Excuse me, I'm trying to work here. How would you like it if I stood yelling down the alley while you're giving blow jobs to transsexuals?'
Paul Merton / Writer
Jobs
Blow
Yelling
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I never give anyone advice: it can backfire horribly. In the 1950s, Eric Morecambe told Ken Dodd to get his teeth fixed. But those teeth turned out to be one of Dodd's big selling points.
Paul Merton / Writer
Advice
Fixed
Selling
Teeth
Horribly
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The economics favour one-man comedy shows: all you need is one person, a microphone and a PA system. But I'm pleased so many people are making a living out of comedy - it's a wonderful business to be in.
Paul Merton / Writer
Comedy
Comedy Shows
Favour
Making A Living
One Man
Wonderful
Microphone
Pa
Pleased
So Many People
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I looked at longevity in show business when I was about 13, and the people who seemed to have longevity were the ones who'd spent quite a bit of time learning about what they were doing before they made it.
Paul Merton / Writer
Longevity
Made
People
Show Business
Quite A Bit
Seemed
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It seems like a contradiction, but the shy person who is a performer actually does make sense, because in a way, when you're young and shy, making people laugh is a good way to make friends. It's an instant connection.
Paul Merton / Writer
Connections
Contradiction
Good Way
Instant
Laughing
People
Seems
Shy
Shy Person
Good People Way
Connection
Laugh
Performer
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In 1986, I was attacked in the street as I helped Neil Mullarkey from the Comedy Store Players to put up posters. We were in the wrong place at the wrong time - midnight - and we were English. I got kicked in the head.
Paul Merton / Writer
Comedy
Midnight
Posters
Attacked
Street
Helped
Neil
Store
Wrong Place
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I have never sold my story, done Hello! magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.
Paul Merton / Writer
Done
Magazines
Stories
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Maybe there's a perception of me as grumpy old bugger who suffers from depression. It's a total misconception. I don't think of myself as any grumpier than the next person. I'm not even grumpy first thing in the morning.
Paul Merton / Writer
Depression
Grumpy
Misconception
Perception
Morning Myself Me
Total
First Thing
Suffers
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I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton / Writer
Funny
Air
Amazed
Crash
Dental
Humorous
Records
Always Your Know
Badly
Identified
Victims
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I have never sold my story, done 'Hello!' magazine, any of that stuff. I'm not guilty of exploiting my private life for cash and then saying, 'Oh, I don't want to talk about my private life.' I've never crossed that line.
Paul Merton / Writer
Cash
Guilty
Hello
Not Guilty
Private Life
Stuff
Talk
Oh
Crossed
Exploiting
Line
Magazine
Private
Saying
Sold
Story
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Generally speaking, politicians are an odd bunch. They seem to have very thick skins and genuinely don't care what people think. And charm is a very important part of the politician's armoury. I try to resist that kind of charm.
Paul Merton / Writer
Bunch
Charm
Don't Care
Odd
Skins
Thick
Genuinely
Politicians
Important Part
Speaking
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I was flying to the Maldives in 2000 when the plane went through turbulence - after that, I didn't fly for four years. Then a job came up in India, so I did a simulator flight and learnt about what goes on in the cockpit. I'm fine now.
Paul Merton / Writer
Cockpit
Flight
Flying
India
Turbulence
Fly
Learnt
Plane
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Beginning with a trip out to Ellis Island, I saw for myself where thousands of European immigrants took their first steps onto American soil, bringing with them nothing but their ambition: people such as Erich von Stroheim and Adolph Zukor.
Paul Merton / Writer
Ambition
Immigrants
Soil
Steps
Myself People Nothing
Bringing
Ellis
Island
Onto
Thousands
Trip
Von
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At one point in the mid-Eighties I shared a promoter with the Smiths. One night, we were sitting backstage when Morrissey burst in, utterly distraught, sobbing his heart out. Turns out someone had thrown a sausage at him on stage during 'Meat Is Murder.'
Paul Merton / Writer
Heart
Meat
Night
Sausage
Sitting
Stage
Thrown
Turns
Backstage
Burst
Promoter
Shared
Utterly
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In 1987, I was in Edinburgh doing my first one-man show. I took part in a kickabout with some fellow comedians and tripped over my trousers and heard this cracking sound in my leg. A couple of days later I went into a coma and was diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism.
Paul Merton / Writer
Men
Comedian
Couple
Edinburgh
Heard
One Man
Sound
Trousers
Diagnosed
Days
Comedians
Cracking
Fellow
Leg
Took
Tripped
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It was a bizarre existence I led in my early twenties - that cliche of the comedian who goes out and entertains a roomful of people and then goes home to a lonely bedsit was unbelievably poignant for me because that was exactly what I was doing. I had periods of real loneliness.
Paul Merton / Writer
Bizarre
Comedian
Existence
Loneliness
Lonely
Periods
Poignant
Real
Twenties
Home Me People
Early
Exactly
Exactly What
Led
Roomful
Unbelievably
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When things are difficult, awful, stressful, the thing that always gets you through is a sense of humour. I don't mean - well, maybe I do - laugh at the hangman as he puts the noose around your neck. But an eye, an ear, for the ridiculous, the absurd in life, can get you through a lot.
Paul Merton / Writer
Absurd
Hangman
Humour
Stressful
Life Always Your
Neck
Ear
Puts
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In a psychiatric hospital, a lot of people believe that people on TV are talking to them directly through the screen. I'm with about 500 of these people, and I'm on TV every Friday night. As I was queuing up for breakfast one morning, one guy nearly jumped out of his skin. My first thought was to go 'Woooo!'
Paul Merton / Writer
Breakfast
Friday
Friday Night
Guy
Night
Psychiatric
Talking
Tv
Skin
Nearly
Directly
Hospital
One Morning
Screen
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There's something magical about film, it's the ultimate for me, because it's kind of permanent - inasmuch as anything is. When I went to see Buster Keaton when I was about 14 and I came out of the cinema having really laughed at this film which had been made 50 years before, I thought: That's immortality. It's fantastic.
Paul Merton / Writer
Cinema
Immortality
Laughed
Permanent
Ultimate
Me Anything See
Buster
Inasmuch
Magical
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I was never one to go up to someone as a five- or six-year-old and say, 'Hello, my name's Paul, will you be my friend?' But I found if I did an impression of the PE teacher or whatever and people laughed, then they did like me, and so then they started talking to me, rather than me making the initial overture and then maybe being rebuffed.
Paul Merton / Writer
Teacher
Five
Hello
Impression
Laughed
Talking
Me People Will
Teacher Me People
Friend
Initial
My Friend
Paul
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