Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Politicians are always interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.
Southern California is a nice place, if you could cut out the show-business cancer. It just keeps spreading.
How much fame, money and power does a woman have to achieve on her own before you can punch her in the face?
The more aspects of life that can be moved from private reign to public realm, the better it is for politics.
No one has ever had a fantasy about being tied to a bed and sexually ravished by someone dressed as a liberal
Your money does not cause my poverty. Refusal to believe this is at the bottom of most bad economic thinking.
The idea of a world where all people are alike - in wealth or in anything else - is a fantasy for the stupid.
Will Generation X and the Millennials do a better job running the world than the boomers have? Let's hope so.
Excessive speed and quantity are, like chattiness and digression, besetting sins of cyber-assisted authorship.
Personally, I believe a rocking hammock, a good cigar, and a tall gin-and-tonic is the way to save the planet.
Visiting Future World is like opening a Chinese fortune cookie to read, "Soon you'll be finished with dinner."
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
I'll be 56 this year, I've got two kids, and I think it's probably time to go back to writing one-glove jokes.
When the government runs out of lenders, it can do something that households are forbidden to do: print money.
There are just two rules of governance in a free society: Mind your own business. Keep your hands to yourself.
Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett.
Obama, in pursuit of power, has been as greedy and irresponsible as any Wall Street tycoon in pursuit of money.
There's something about Marxism that brings out warts; the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
The dominant type of humor in the '60s was essentially defensive and self-deprecating, using humor as a shield.
Nothing bad is going to happen to us. If we get fired, it's not failure; its a midlife vocational reassessment.
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.
As a former writer for the 'National Lampoon,' I've probably contributed to the sea of sarcasm in which we live.
Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.
Apparently Bolivia is the key source of lithium in the world. So we're gonna trade the Saudis for the Bolivians.
Think about last time you were broke ... now how well did it go with spending your way out of it? Did that work?
You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
Democrats hate America being a world power because world power gives power to the nation instead of to Democrats.
African famine is not a visitation of fate. It is largely man-made, and the men who made it are largely Africans.
Writing this book required an enormous amount of help from friends. To them goes the credit. I'll take the money.
My working hypothesis is that stupidity in popular culture is a constant. Popular culture cannot get more stupid.
Freedom is not empowerment. Empowerment is what the Serbs have in Bosnia. Anybody can grab a gun and be empowered.
Any trade that is voluntarily made is mutually beneficial, by definition, and, indeed, is balanced, by definition.
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
We had a choice between Democrats who couldn't learn from the past and Republicans who couldn't stop living in it.
America gives every appearance of being a nation besotted with trashiness - divorce, illegitimacy, casual Fridays.
Tom DeLay may or may not have broken campaign finance laws, but he did his best to look like he was breaking them.
In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.
After the events of the 20th century, God, quite reasonably, left Europe. But He's still here in the United States.
Violence is interesting. This is a great obstacle to world peace and also to more thoughtful television programming.
My Grandmother wouldn't even speak the word Democrat if there were children in the room, she'd say Bastards instead.
If I bring anything to the table, it's the fact that not everybody realizes they're funny. So I just point a finger.
It's better to make fun of yourself because you've always got someone around to make fun of, and they can't sue you.
The words 'Space Age' have a quaint, nostalgic tone - sitting on midcentury modern furniture watching 'The Jetsons.'
Soccer matches should be something special, something people eagerly look forward to, something that brightens life.
China is trying to become America without democracy while America is trying to become France without cheese calories.
Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?
One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.
Each child is biologically required to have a mother. Fatherhood is a well-regarded theory, but motherhood is a fact.
Hunter S. Thompson brings a lunatic genius to ordinary events, and I bring an ordinary sensibility to lunatic events.