Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I hate fame. I hate being recognized, because I don't know how to talk to people.
It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.
I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.
Whenever I do theaters, I don't like 'em. I don't think they're right for stand-up.
Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.
Violent people usually express their love of a thing by their hatred of its opposite.
You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.
When people told the audience that [Sam Kinison] was good, he was accepted after that.
We would seldom be deceived by flattery, did our own conceit not promote the delusion.
I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.
All that weak people learn from disappointment, is less confidence in future enterprise.
Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.
Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!
I don't have to meet actors. I'm really blessed that I don't have to do all that horseshit.
The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.
If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.
The vanity of being asked advice often makes us confirm the opinion of those that consult us.
The character of giving advice often makes us accountable for the conduct of those we advise.
I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.
I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.
I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.
There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.
During misfortunes, nothing aggravates our condition more, than to be esteemed deserving of them.
In terms of merit, sports has mathematical statistics. That's how you know who the best player is.
I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.
Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.
They that are fated to be fools, have one consolation, that they are fated also to be ignorant of it.
The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.
Comedy is surprises, so if you're intending to make somebody laugh and they don't laugh, that's funny.
I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.
I would love to stay at SNL forever. But you can't stay in the same place. People think you're a loser.
Your worst and most dangerous enemy is the person that injures you under the pretensions of friendship.
Our passions may be compared to certain slaves--the more severity we show them, the better they obey us.
The young compliment their greatness on the number of their friends; the old, on the confidence of them.
Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.
A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.
[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].
The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.
The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.
I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.
If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.
I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.
When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.
I've seen people in theaters, and it just doesn't work, because you're talking to the guy next to you the whole time.
Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.
You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.
There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.
Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.
If you watch that show and you didn't know it was called Seinfeld, you'd think it was called 'The George Costanza Show'.