Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Ke$ha IS the walk of shame.
It's a human instinct to be known.
Do they give Pulitzers for tweets yet?
Neil Hamburger writes such cutting jokes.
In general, comedians are attracted to vice.
Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
I don't see the point of watching men exercise.
The women's movement ruined a permanent vacation.
TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.
Don't be intimidated by my outfit, it's Forever 21.
The waiters in France could all be senators in the US.
I do think people are definitely sick of the Kardashians.
Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.
Doing TV is great, but TV is for starring on, not for watching.
The more developed your abs, the less time you've spent reading.
I wish his music came out of the closet and admit that it sucks.
College seems like a pretty expensive way to become an alcoholic.
The only thing that makes me cry at weddings is the DJ's playlist.
Have you heard his new song? 'Cause he thinks he's a black man now.
Guys should not be allowed to use the Internet all day long. So sad.
Comedy is just one of the many professions that women are taking over.
All these rappers on stage and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
In L.A., you tend to see a lot of people do very bizarre things. I love it.
Why does every flight attendant seem like they are going through a divorce?
I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?
I love hard punch lines, and I like anything that has a strong point of view.
The idea that you're supposed to do everything on your own is absurd. You can't.
I don't think I ever wore pants on 'Reno 911!' and I was on it about five times.
I grew up as a child actress, not a child star. I was an actress - big difference.
Lovin this Ghost Ghirls! It was great to get to play a madame not just a boring prostitute.
Justin's fan are called Beliebers because it's politically incorrect to use the word retards.
How are you gonna make an 'idol' from the type of person you're trying to avoid in real life?
You can always tell an actor by the bored look in their eye whenever someone else is talking.
When I was 23, I moved to Australia to be with this 43-year-old con artist I fell in love with.
My dream part would be to play Mitt Romney's sarcastic black maid. We could call it 'Mammy & Me.'
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows.
I was raised Catholic in Rockford, Illinois. But I'm not a practicing Catholic anymore. Oh God, no.
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
I'm not saying Martha Stewart is old, but she needs a new Walker more than the 'Fast and Furious' franchise.
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.
The chasm between rich and poor is becoming larger, and I think it's interesting terrain to talk about and expose.
My friends who have babies can't do anything. You can't go out at night. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.
James Franco, acting, teaching, directing, writing, producing, photography, soundtracks, editing - is there anything you can do?
I'm not 'one of the guys.' I don't want to pretend to be one on stage. I'm not going to dress like a guy or carry myself like one.
Coming from the Midwest, I didn't know about stand-up as an art. I just thought stand-up comedians were old men in suits talking about their wives.
There's something grounded about 'Ugly Americans,' so I think it's good that I'm playing a version of myself in these elevated cartoon circumstances.
My comedy isn't about being attractive - it's about how the bar of dumb seems so low right now, and I desperately want to raise the bar of dumb just a tiny bit.