Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!
I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.
I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.