Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Page 2

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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

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