Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Money can't buy you happiness, but it helps you look for it in a lot more places.
I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!
Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.
I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands
It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.
I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.
At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.
My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door, but only as long as it's not visible from the street.
Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.
The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.
What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.
Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
They've finally comes up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.
The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.
I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.
I have a file of four million jokes... I have them cross-indexed. Whatever subject you want, I have a joke on it.
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.
In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
People say I owe a lot to television. The fact is I was a star long before television. What TV made me is unemployed.