Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
Laughter is an instant vacation.
A thing of beauty is a job forever.
I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
I don't date women my age. There aren't any.
Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now.
It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!
My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.
I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.
He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.
Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.
Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.
You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.
She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?
I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.
My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.
My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.
I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.
She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.
Like every comedian, if I heard a joke that I thought would work, I used it.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?
On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.
