Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You can always tell who went to catholic school, because they're atheists.
People are making better and better small budge independent films these days.
I grew up in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts and went to college in Washington D.C.
Louis C.K. directs his show, which is very much like a series of short films.
In some sense, Comedy Central has made their audience into comedy connoisseurs.
You know the quickest way to get comedians to hate you? Do Letterman at age 24.
My dad goes through war novels like I go through boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
One of my favorite comedies of all time is 'Terms of Endearment;' that's my pace.
Backup dancers are completely respectable. They're the studio musicians of dance.
Success is fleeting. It may not have to do with you but how your work is received.
I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
I feel like everyone wants to make a movie that they feel passionate about watching.
I've found, being in Los Angeles, it's like living in a live-action Planet Hollywood.
I feel like we can prove in real time the old trope that comedy is tragedy plus time.
When I was growing up, I didn't know who Jewish people were, what it was to be Jewish.
I love 'Bullets Over Broadway,' but I'm pretty sure Woody Allen hasn't killed somebody.
I find my fans are really funny people. Most comedians can't say that about their fans.
I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.
When I moved to New York, I was wide-eyed. I was nice to everyone, which comedians hate.
The ability to workshop in stand-up comedy is incomparable to any art form, in my opinion.
One of my favourite movies is 'Annie Hall' because it's about the silver lining of the break-up.
Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.
I can always go back to waiting tables, but I won't be very good at it. I'll never be good at it.
Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream
You can express love by calling out the truth out of the situation as opposed to dancing around it.
You need to know what doesn't work to know what works. It's especially true in improv and stand-up.
Sometimes people say, 'You're the best at digressions.' And that's actually a real compliment to me.
People come to my shows on purpose as opposed to coming to a 'comedy show.' Which was always my goal.
I feel that marriage can lead to the ultimate rejection and failure and divorce and things we all fear.
I think sometimes you don't understand how to convey an idea, depending on the moment you're living in.
When I was in college, I wanted to write for 'Late Night With Conan O'Brien,' and I was an intern there.
I will say what I aspire to is a consistency in making films, to direct something every couple of years.
When you're in high school, you can't even imagine the concept of what the rest of your life even means.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, you get it on your shirt.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
I've been selfish over the years, and other people who have made it have too, but I can only speak for myself.
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.
How many people do you know who have thrown up on the Scrambler or a carnival ride? A lot of people, is the answer.
You can't go to medical school and come out and be like, 'I'm going to be a dog catcher.' That would be so pointless.
Everything about starting out in comedy is pride-swallowing, from handing out fliers to bombing in front of audiences.
I drank the Kool-Aid of being a network star. Once it didn't happen, I realized it wasn't the best version of my comedy.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
I sometimes think of not doing Twitter or Facebook anymore, but that's how people find their favorite bands and comedians.
I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.
I was raised Catholic, and then I kind of wandered away somewhere in high-school. I never got confirmed, which is a big deal.
I think your tendency when you play yourself is to accentuate something about you that you think is the funny thing about you.
When I met my wife, I was a working comic, so the first week we went out, she saw me perform, and it was very clear what I do.