Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I think people just love to win.
The global business climate is likewhatever, dude.
Whatever I write I publish. Because that's where the money is.
I feel like my career has been a series of glowing obituaries.
I think people hate me pretty much across the board, which is nice.
I take my coffee like I take my women... strong... black... and proud.
Shuffling really isn't something you should be doing on your deathbed.
I think in doing stand-up there are no rules and there's no architecture.
I imagine there's a level of narcissism that goes into thinking you're enough.
Corporations do a lot of things well, but not run nations, for obvious reasons.
If you get an idea, you might as well stick with it until somebody calls you on it.
Internet fame is like regular fame only without all the annoying 'money' and 'power.'
I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards.
The thing about narcissistic people is that they don't think they're being narcissistic.
Super excited about things I'm going to do; never excited about things I'm actually doing.
Well, I think my stand-up is often kind of visual. Not like Carrot Top visual, but visual.
I hope you die.... P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.
That's been my fear all along. That I'm not enough, and I still don't trust at all that I am.
I don't necessarily self-identify as a writer, 'cause it implies a certain level of intelligence.
I don't chase after things, but I put forward the effort and know the rest of it is out of my hands.
The characters that I have on Twitter have very little resemblance to me, the person who's writing them.
I don't watch that much comedy. I think it's professional jealousy. That and a lack of support for my community.
It doesn't matter what you're chasing, when you get there you're gonna be like, "Oh, is this all? It kind of sucks."
I can be a snarky Asshole, or I can be sort of mentally impaired. It's very hard for me to just be normal human being.
I'll never admit that I'm an actor, because the next horrible follow-up question is always, "Oh, what have I seen you in?"
Separation is the worst. There's no good way to deal with it, other than to get on the phone and do Skype and try to visit.
Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic but don't give it more attention than it deserves.
Your harshest critic is always going to be yourself. Don't ignore that critic, but don't give it more attention than it deserves.
I don't really read children's books or deal with children's books, so I don't have any relationship with them other than my own.
The Atkins' diet is where you eat bacon for six or seven months...and the end result is that you lose weight. Because you're dead.
People recognize me, but they don't know where from. Today I was in the elevator and somebody asked me if I worked for his company.
With stand-up, you can be as freeform as you want to be. You can say what you want, how you want, at any moment without constraint.
I am a poker player, but I am not a good poker player. My favorite game is seven card stud, but I'll play hi/lo, Hold 'em, Razz, etc.
Hosting a show, even a talk show or a game show, there's so much business you have to conduct. There's so much guiding you have to do.
So my reaction to hearing this corny-ass, horrible song ["With Arms Wide Open" by Creed] is violent, uncontrollable, sustained weeping.
Part of what's exciting to me about my career is the constant looking forward. Whenever I finish one project, I am looking to what's next.
The things I care about are the most pedestrian things in the world. I care about good ice cream and being a good dad and a decent husband.
I think writing for anybody helps you order your life. It helps you arrange your emotions and your thoughts and it helps to provide perspective.
Wish I could, through my own financial prestidigitation, transform a dollar bill into two, or two million. It is an awesome and mysterious skill.
The illustrators work so much harder on the books than the writers do. I mean, that's so much work doing what they do, and it's terrible for them.
Whenever anyone asks me if I'm from a TV show, I say yes - no matter whether I've ever been on it. It just makes the conversation that much easier.
There's things I know I'm good at, and those things interest me less and less. I learn a lot more from doing it wrong than I do from doing it right.
I definitely script things out. I definitely write things down and try to write jokes. Often, they're terrible. I often write terrible, terrible jokes.
I have a good family and I like to be home with them. The older I get, the lazier I get, and the more content I am to sit at home and eat string cheese.
My first real break was when my college sketch troupe, The State, was asked to contribute pieces for a new MTV show called 'You Wrote It, You Watch It.'
Things you never thought were going to turn into something end up being the most important things in your life. You have to learn to not try to control it.
As an actor, you can show up on a set and be on a TV show for three or four years, or whatever it is and, by the end of it, you just want to do something else.
I never really understood what was expected of me as a man, or how I was supposed to interact with women, but worse, with other guys. I did not relate to them.
If you say "I'm going to be an actor, but I'll get a teaching degree just in case," when things get hard, you'll just be a teacher and that's how you get stuck.
All my friends were girls. Then my mom's strident feminism for years where men were thought of as the enemy, I just didn't know what the right way to be a man was.