The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

The older we grow the greater becomes our wonder at how much ignorance one can contain without bursting one's clothes.

The timid man yearns for full value and demands a tenth. The bold man strikes for double value and compromises on par.

Civilization largely consists in hiding human nature. When the barbarian learns to hide it we account him enlightened.

The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it's that they know so many things that just aren't so.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.

Reputation is a hall-mark: it can remove doubt from pure silver, and it can also make the plated article pass for pure.

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

One thing at a time, is my motto - and just play that thing for all it is worth, even if it's only tto pair and a jack.

Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs?

I hope all of us may eventually be together in everlasting peace and bliss -- except the inventor of the #‎ telephone .

Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt.

I wish I could make him understand that a loving good heart is riches enough, and that without it intellect is poverty.

Our heroes are men who do things which we recognize, with regret, and sometimes with a secret shame, that we cannot do.

Look at you in war...There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

When a person is accustomed to one hundred and thirty-eight in the shade, his ideas about cold weather are not valuable.

There is no such thing as a new idea. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

... the English alphabet is pure insanity..., It can hardly spell any word in the language with any degree of certainty.

Troubles are only mental; it is the mind that manufactures them, and the mind can gorge them, banish them, abolish them.

The first time a student realizes that a little learning is a dangerous thing is when he brings home a poor report card.

As a rule, we go about with masks, we go about looking honest, and we are able to conceal ourselves all through the day.

Newport, Rhode Island, that breeding place-that stud farm, so to speak-of aristocracy; aristocracy of the American type.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

A reputable lawyer will advise you to keep out of the law, make the best of a foolish bargain, and not get caught again.

More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.

Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.

Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.

An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.

A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize.

Every man is a moon and has a side which he turns toward nobody: you have to slip around behind it if you want to see it.

Irrevence is another person's disrespect to your god; there isn't any word that tells what your disrespect to his god is.

It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

Right is right, and wrong is wrong, and a body ain’t got no business doing wrong when he ain’t ignorant and knows better.

Astonishing things can be done with the human memory if you will devote it faithfully to one particular line of business.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed it. They also believed the world was flat.

A country without a patent office and good patent laws is just a crab, and can't travel any way but sideways and backways.

Patriotism is merely a religion-love of country, worship of country, devotion to the country's flag and honor and welfare.

I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases

Always acknowledge a fault. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.

Independence-is loyalty to one's best self and principles, and this is often disloyalty to the general idols and fetishes.

There was never a century nor a country that was short of experts who knew the Deity's mind and were willing to reveal it.

Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

When all is said and done, the one sole condition that makes spiritual happiness and preserves it is the absence of doubt.

The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are.

Is it, perhaps, possible that there are two kinds of Civilization-one for home consumption and one for the heathen market?

All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it.

We often feel sad in the presence of music without words; and often more than that in the presence of music without music.

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