The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

God was left out of the Constitution but was furnished a front seat on the coins of the country.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

There has never been a Protestant boy nor a Protestant girl whose mind the Bible has not soiled.

There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par.

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stop there.

Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might be proud to call his own - but I wish to sell out

A sin takes on a new and real terror when there seems a chance that it is going to be found out.

Let me make the superstitions of a nation and I care not who makes its laws or its songs either.

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.

There isn't anything so grotesque or so incredible that the average human being can't believe it.

The average American's simplest and commonest form of breakfast consists of coffee and beefsteak.

If the world comes to an end, I want to be in Cincinnati. Everything comes there ten years later.

If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came always together, who would escape hanging?

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out.

Success is a journey, not a destination. It requires constant effort, vigilance and reevaluation.

The true charm of pedestrians does not lie in the walking, or in the scenery, but in the talking.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

To place man properly at the present time, he stands somewhere between the angels and the French.

All schools, all colleges have two great functions: to confer, and to conceal valuable knowledge.

When a man arrives at great prosperity God did it: when he falls into disaster he did it himself.

Never learn to do anything: if you don't learn, you'll always find someone else to do it for you.

Our most valuable and most instructive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India.

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.

Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community, and I'll tell you what his opinions are.

The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large.

Half of the results of a good intentions are evil; half the results of an evil intention are good.

My heart goes out to anyone who is making his first appearance before an audience of human beings.

The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.

To be great, truly great, you have to be the kind of person who makes the others around you great.

Wilson stopped and stood silent. Inattention dies a quick and sure death when a speaker does that.

Human pride is not worthwhile; there is always something lying in wait to take the wind out of it.

Not until you become a stranger to yourself will you be able to make acquaintance with the Friend.

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.

When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know.

No one has ever seen a Republican mass meeting that was devoid of the perception of the ludicrous.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

To my mind that literature is best and most enduring which is characterized by a noble simplicity.

That's the difference between governments and individuals. Governments don't care, individuals do.

Put no trust in the benefits to accrue from early rising, as set forth by the infatuated Franklin.

I have tried getting up early, and I have tried getting up late-and the latter agrees with me best.

The most permanent lessons in morals are those which come, not of book teaching, but of experience.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

I used to think my father was an idiot, until I turned twenty-one... Then I thought he was a genus.

Conformity—the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority.

If the metrics you are looking at aren't useful in optimizing your strategy - stop looking at them.

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