It consists mainly of the storm of thoughts that is forever blowing through one's head.

Patriotism is usually the refuge of the scoundrel. He is the man who talks the loudest.

Between us, we cover all knowledge; he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.

There are times when one would like to hang the whole human race, and finish the farce.

....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard.

An American has not seen the United States until he has seen Mardi-Gras in New Orleans.

Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it up again.

While the rest of the species is descended from apes, redheads are descended from cats.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

You can't keep a juvenile moral institution alive on two displays of its sash per year.

You cannot have a theory without principles. Principles is another name for prejudices.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

One of the brightest gems in the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it.

The man who is ostentatious of his modesty is twin to the statue that wears a fig-leaf.

Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW is only a small step and quickly taken.

There is nothing but that frail breastwork of earth between the people and destruction.

It takes me a long time to lose my temper, but once lost I could not find it with a dog.

I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

Ideally a book would have no order to it, and the reader would have to discover his own.

It is often the case that a man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

You must not pay a person a compliment, and then straightway follow it with a criticism.

One mustn't criticize other people on grounds where he can't stand perpendicular himself

I was dead for millions of years before I was born and it never inconvenienced me a bit.

No man, deep down in the privacy of his heart, has any considerable respect for himself.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Weather is a literary specialty, and no untrained hand can turn out a good article on it

It is better to deserve honors and not have them than to have them and not deserve them.

It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.

A great, great deal has been said about the weather, but very little has ever been done.

Adam did not want the apple for the apple's sake; he wanted it because it was forbidden.

A crowded police docket is the surest of all signs that trade is brisk and money plenty.

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Honesty is often the best policy, but sometimes the appearance of it is worth six of it.

We are discreet sheep; we wait to see how the drove is going, and then go with the drove.

A man never reaches that dizzy height of wisdom when he can no longer be led by the nose.

It's better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right

I never write "metropolis" for seven cents when I can write "city" and get paid the same.

When the time comes that a man has had his dinner, then the true man comes to the surface

Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders.

Let us endeavor so to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke.

Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.

I couldn't bear to think about it; and yet, somehow, I couldn't think about nothing else.

The writing begins when you’ve finished. Only then do you know what you’re trying to say.

The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.

Adam was the author of sin, and I wish he had taken out an international copyright on it.

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