Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.
I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I know what it's like to have a bunch of material that's working that you don't care about. You want to die.
You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'
I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.
I've always benefited from knowing machines well, because it's freedom, it gives you freedom, I always knew that.
Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.
The thing is, comedy's gone in a weird direction. People are really into ironic comedy and fakeness and cleverness.
Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.
I have a lot of beliefs, and I live by none of them - that's just the way I am they make me feel good about who I am.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
A very painful part of being a parent is having really negative feelings about your children when you love them so much.
The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.
Most Americans have so much crap, that you could lose most of it and still have way more stuff than the average Canadian.
When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.
In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.
I'm not motivated to entertain people through Twitter, so just by having Twitter and not saying anything, I make people mad.
Self-love is a good thing but self-awareness is more important. You need to once in a while go ‘Uh, I’m kind of an asshole.’
When I am in a hotel, and I turn off the lights and the TV, I just freak out. I turn the TV back on and don't get any sleep.
I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.
You don't look down at your feet. A lot of comedians want to look down at their feet, but you break contact with the audience.
I'd love to have a shitty job. I couldn't hold any down. Standup was the only thing I could stick with. I'm an idiot that way.
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.
I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.
Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.
...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.
People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.
I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.
I've always got the road. Stand-up makes you so autonomous and self-sufficient that it really helps with that part of show business.
There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.
If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.
You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.
You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.
Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can't dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!
You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.
I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'
When I was first divorced, I started dating younger women, and it was really exciting. But after a while I was like, 'This is just dumb.'
I know I'm getting old because there will be times when I'm not even doing anything and I'll think, 'I need to go wipe my ass right now.'