Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.
When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.
Some entertainers don't pay attention to what's going on around them.
I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.
Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.
Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.
You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.
Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.
Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?
There's no way you ask Sean Penn a question and then, you're gonna be HUGE !
Maybe God is an asshole...of course not, he's not an asshole, he's imaginary.
You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.
All talking is good, negative and positive. Stabbing is bad; talking is good.
It's more fun to experience things when you don't know what's going to happen.
There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.
I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.
I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.
I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.
I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.
I've always loved boxing. It's something I've always been extremely excited about.
Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.
I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.
I don't have sex drive... I have sex 'just sit in the car and hope someone gets in'.
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.
I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
I just love learning. I think learning is how you live. The verb of my life is learning.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.
I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.
Here's how my brain works: It's stupidity, followed by self-hatred, and then further analysis.
My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.
I finally have the body I want. It’s easy, actually, you just have to want a really shitty body.
If I owned a network, I would never let a guy just put people on without telling me who they are.
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
I don't know what it's like to be an actor, where if your show gets canceled, really you're just a bum.