Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Let me tell you about my family.
It's so much easier to be cynical.
I can't stay long; I'm in between meals.
I started a big part of my career in Vegas.
We all think we're going to get out of debt.
I have a very warm spot in my heart for Vegas.
Weight is a glanduar thing, as well as an emotional thing.
I think I have always tried to connect my comedy to my art.
Minnesotans really think they run the whole world, I love that.
I would trade everything I have to have had a happier childhood.
Well, isn't every successful person in every family the bankbook?
All great comedians make me laugh, but people make me laugh more.
I used to do my dad smoked, he drank, we finally had to kill him.
We were on welfare when we were kids. Thanks for reminding me of that.
Azhar Usman is a true original and will laugh the hate right out of you.
If I were the last person on earth, some moron would turn left in front of me.
I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.
I'm a 7 o'clock act. My people want to go to a show, a dinner and then go home and go to bed.
I was kind of a Rickles comic to begin with. I was caustic, and I was abusive and mean to the audience.
If I have food in the house and I'm laying in bed, I go, 'I bet that Captain Crunch is lonely in the cupboard.'
My first words were 'Seconds, please.' Most kids in kindergarten napped on a little rug. I had a braided 9 x 12.
I have to be very careful about how I do any stuff on sadness 'cause the crowd gets really sad and concerned for me.
I was 10th of 11 kids in an alcoholic, abusive, poor family. We all want things that we can't have. And I found comedy.
Everyone always comes to one point in their life as an artist where you can either let your heart guide you or your ego.
You can't open anything after your 50. You have to wait 'til people stop by the house. 'Oh my God, I'm glad you're here.'
Everybody wanted to make it. One guy makes it. In a family when one guy makes it... 'Hey ain't you going to help us out?'
After 34 years, I feel like I did when I was starting out. I feel excited and feel I've never been better doing what I do.
My inspiration is coming more and more from the way I feel and the gratitude I feel. The older you get the more humility you have.
You have to not worry or doubt or punish yourself. All the worry, doubt and punishment will not add one second to your life, you know?
I'm washing lettuce. Soon, I'll be on fries. In a few years, I'll make assistant manager, and that's when the big bucks start rolling in.
I'm at 23 feet, diving into 17 feet of water. I'm over 400 pounds. Who doesn't want to see that? I do. I'm always shocked that I can do it.
I live in California, the worst place in the world for fat people. There are three of us. They have us on eight-hour shifts, so it works out.
My mom ate every piece of butter in the Midwest, she lived till she was 90. And my dad, he smoked, he drank - we finally just had to kill him.
My mother loved people and she loved conversation, and she loved to engage with people. She was a really fantastic person. You would've really liked her.
A real estate closer. Oh, what's that? I'm a real estate opener. What is a real estate closer? You mean at the end where you've got to sign all those papers?
You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.
I have about 1,000 hours of myself on tape in a vault in Los Angeles. But I also have a photographic memory about my jokes, because they're really about me; they're my stories.
I was with a famous comedian when a young fan walked up and asked for an autograph. The comedian blew him off. I'll never forget the look on the young boy's face. He was devastated.
I've been in Vegas. That's where you get into the money thing. Boy, you get greedy in Vegas, you know. That's the only place that you can bet $25, get it up to $500 and refuse to quit.
I just had a throwaway part, really, if you think about it. I'm not a natural actor, you know? I'm a comedian, through and through. And I really love my lines. Those are the lines I want to do.
I'm a big game show fan. When you're a poor person, you watch game shows. I don't think people realize that. Maybe everybody watches game shows, but when you're poor, you live vicariously through those people.
I felt ashamed for what I had done. I don't have any excuses. I did what I did. I take full responsibility for myself and my actions. I wouldn't pawn this off on anybody. I'm sorry it happened. And I hurt people.
Dr. Phil was very helpful and caring. I believe he helped all of us there and watching how to better relate, understand, and communicate with our families and loved ones. Dr. Phil recommended reading my new book.
When I say, 'I can't stay long, I'm in-between meals,' that plays differently on the radio than it does in person. So I have to pick material that works because the words are funny, not just because of the images.
One thing to remember when you're successful, famous, whatever you want to call it - well-known, not that well-known - whatever you want to go. One thing to remember is your family's not famous, and they're not well-known.
I'm still working! I think of all the other comics that didn't get the light shined on them, just because it's just how fame works, and it's unfortunate. But there are so many great comics out there who are still working, and I still see them.
I really try to have fun. If I don't have fun, you won't have fun. That's what my gift is: to relieve people from a little of the pain and comfort in their lives by allowing my comedy to distract them. A good laugh is almost as good as any doctor visit.
I think I'm a better actor now. I mean, I really think I know a lot about acting now. But I didn't know a lot about acting then, in 80's, and I never knew how to be myself. I never knew how to relax and just play it from me. I was always trying to deliver a line.
I could be an alternative comic. I could be that really dark - I was - I was a very dark comic to begin with. I could be that guy, and the only reason I didn't is that I wanted to make money. I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be liked more than I wanted to be admired.
I had been asking the universe and God to send me a way for me to help me. Show business has been so wonderful to me, and it came in the form of that. Its just so funny how things come into your life, and if you take a chance on them, it might give you a brand new life.