Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I just really work hard on myself every day.
Nobody escapes during Lisa Lampanelli's show.
Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping.
Ticket sales will get higher the day after roasts.
Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.
I don't like any of it. I'm sick and tired of menopause.
Crazy diets, good diets, you can't name one I didn't do.
I'm not gonna ruin my reputation with the blacks no more.
Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here.
None of my comedy depended on looks. I never did tons of fat jokes.
When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.
Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.
What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.
Shortly after college, I was working in New York City at 'Rolling Stone' magazine.
If they hate you, they hate you, but I've always been polarizing, and I love that.
I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.
If Flavor Flav was any smaller and darker, Brad and Angelina would try to adopt him.
The dog lasted. The marriage didn't. So it shows which relationship was meant to be.
A lot of comics just joke around, but it's just as important to get the truth out there.
When you're dealing with a sick person, you're not important at all. You're just a nobody.
I would make a few jabs at myself and go for the audience - they are still as flawed as ever.
Insult comedy has been around forever. I can make fun of people, and they won't get mad at me.
That's the whole thing: You only roast the ones you love. That's why I never make fun of the French.
I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems.
I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'
William Shatner is living proof that if you are talented and nice, you can work in this industry forever.
I hate comics who look at comedy as therapy. But at least it gets things out of my system in a funny way.
I can really serve the audience instead of making this about me and about serving myself and my pocketbook.
I don't sell myself. I've never explained my comedy to people who don't get it. Never complain. Never explain.
Make a list of the people in your 'choir'... If you're not on your own list, then you're doing something wrong.
Larry the Cable Guy has everything: sleeveless shirts, stupid catchphrases. He's Mr. T without the acting chops.
I have a shrink in New York and a shrink in Arizona, just in case. You never know when you will have a breakdown.
This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.
When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.
I'm not a political comic at all, so it would be weird if I just turned into a preachy, sort-of political commentator.
I'm decorating my parents' house for Christmas... I hope they find my manger with a baby yeezus in it as funny as I do!
I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.'
I know Bea Arthur left the Pam Anderson roast really early, but it could have been because she was half dead; I don't know.
I've really been working on the emotional and internal issues that made me eat in the first place. It's been a real journey.
I do a big roast of Trump during my set now - which I clearly expanded on - because there's so much to make fun of him about now.
I heard Cher say, 'I answer to two people: Myself and God.' I say, 'I only answer to me. I'm not sure I appreciate God's opinion.'
I'm not ready to die yet. I have, like, 40 years left that I have to make up for all of the trouble I caused in my first 50 years.
The only reason I was allowed to have a career for a quarter century as an insult comic is because it's all in jest and all for fun.
I always wrote about myself in the third person. I knew how to promote myself so it sounded intelligent. I know how to package myself.
I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.
Too many people have already lost their lives to HIV and AIDS, and the more celebrities who can bring attention to the issue, the better.
I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.
I feel that if I retire today, I've done enough. I've achieved everything in comedy... I feel I don't need anything else. It's already built.
Before, I didn't do celebrity stuff, 'cause Kathy Griffin did that, but now, if you're going to make jokes on Twitter, you have to stay current.
Jeff Foxworthy is a legend. Every time I see his moustache it reminds me to wax my lip and every time I hear his jokes it reminds me to wipe my ass.