Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Show business is my life.
Spring time is the land awakening.
There's no such thing as being too Southern.
If Love Were Oil, / I'd Be About a Quart Low.
Let's all start walking more and driving less.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good for myself.
They tore out my heart and stomped that sucker flat.
If you are not the lead dog, your scenery never changes.
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi
If I Ever Get Back to Georgia, I'm Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground.
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
When My Love Returns from the Ladies Room, Will I Be Too Old to Care?
I'd much rather sit next to a smoker in a restaurant than a nose-blower.
Money doesn't grow on trees, and if it did somebody else would own the orchard.
A little irreverence is always important to being a columnist. I try to do that.
Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
God bless Merle Haggard. He did all the things that Johnny Cash was supposed to have done.
I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
Baptists never make love standing up. They're afraid someone might see them and think they're dancing.
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wiggle out of one.
Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.
I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'
I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.
It's better to have died a small child than to be a politician who gets caught in a scandal during a slow news month.
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.
I get letters from people who say, 'What have you got against women?' What could I possibly have against women? I've married three of them.
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, 'What's in it for me?'
I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that.
I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.
'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.
I finally figured it out, I finally figured out how to find some peace and happiness. I sure would hate for the man upstairs to take me now. But at least I did figure it out.
I was raised to think women had babies, stayed at home, and men worked. By the time I got ready to do it, I thought I had all the answers. Only somebody had changed the questions.
Mama had an appreciation of the language. She taught me a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead to a life's work.
Today's sensitive male has learned to share in open frank discussions about relationships like, "Where the hell did you get a crazy idea like that? You been reading Redbook again?"
I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.
In the south there's a difference between 'Naked' and 'Nekkid.' 'Naked' means you don't have any clothes on. 'Nekkid' means you don't have any clothes on and you're up to somethin'.
You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.