Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
The one thing I think we learned this year is that the Democrats and the Republicans are completely worthless.
If you stop eating donutes you will live 3 years longer.It's just 3 more years that you want a donut. < . ) < .
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.
When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.
It's amazing what I could've written in my life if I had realized that I should keep writing and not masturbating.
One of the interesting things about comedy is it's tension release, and nothing creates tension faster than anger.
We don't have seasons anymore. You know why? We lost the ozone layer. Well, put it on milk cartons - let's find it!
Nobody in college races home and says, 'I can't wait to see the news! I can't wait to see who CBS is going to hire!'
Since there are so many idiots out there, you may actually start to think you're crazy. You are not. They are idiots.
Most of the longer-term relationships I've known have been gay relationships. They seem to be able to hang out longer.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
The Democrats have responded to the Republicans' lack of dealing with reality by truly not dealing with reality, either.
I do not make jokes about Sarah Palin simply because I could not live in this world if I believed she was a real person.
One thing I know about the rich, being rich, is that you can take money from me and tomorrow, I'm still going to be rich.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!"
You don't want another Enron? Here's your law: If a company, can't explain, in one sentence, what it does... it's illegal.
If you want to get an audience quiet, just say "abortion" and everybody shuts up and the tension in the room is spectacular.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.
You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!
The tortoise moves very slowly, it moves towards whatever the goal is, to keep a democratic capitalistic society functioning.
This is what I've been waiting for my whole life. A President who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying a**hole.
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
When you're done [with writing a book], people tell you "Well, gee, I'm not interested." "Great, I'm glad I sat down and wrote this!"
When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.
I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.
If you're going to vote for somebody because you think they have a great faith in God, you'd better be sure that God has faith in them.
Basically, I started on stage yelling and I kept yelling, and then I yelled some more, and then I yelled even louder. I'm modulated now.
We have a two-party system: The Democratic Party, which is a party of no ideas, and the Republican Party, which is a party of bad ideas.
It's great that we're bringing democracy to Iraq. I can't wait to see how we do it! What are we gonna do, give them our civics textbooks?
Everyone of you has a health that is unique and totally different from everybody else. Completely! Because we... are all like snowflakes.
This is how sad my life is: I got a scar from scratching my chicken pox too much. That's my big scar story. I really have no major scars.
Stand-up is the only thing in which you actually write it, act it and direct it simultaneously, so it's actually a great theater exercise.
If somebody tries to tell me the earth was created in 7 days I take a fossil and say "FOSSIL". If he still won't shut up I throw it at him.
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
I think that many things that go on in an art school have a tendency to undermine confidence, and that shouldn't be part of the ballgame, ever.
Being a playwright is like the equivalent of doing a jigsaw puzzle that has 1,500 pieces, and it's a jigsaw of a blue sky. Not a cloud in sight.
Kids seem to get me when I play colleges - they like it because I go after them. They'll come up after and say I am like their dads, only funny.
I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
Let me be serious: divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman who hate each other. God wanted Adam to pay alimony to Eve, not Steve.
On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.
A republican stands up in congress and says 'I GOT A REALLY BAD IDEA!!' and the democrat stands up after him and says 'AND I CAN MAKE IT SHITTIER!!
"Equestrian", by the by, is the gayest word in the English language. In fact, I thought Brokeback Mountain should have been called Two Equestrians.
There's a whole group of Christians who believe the individual is more important, but in the end I don't think that's what Christ was talking about.
If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!
You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.