Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Everybody's got cable.
We have fossils... We win!
Glenn Beck has Nazi Tourettes'.
Self-love is a big part of golf.
Political audiences are not fun.
It's 2003. Why can't I teleport?
Usually I'm too tired to apologize.
I'm a selfish, little pig of a man.
When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.
MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!
How our government works... it doesn't.
Everybody's family has different values.
I'm a happy person but an angry citizen.
Just relax and breathe through your ass.
I'm constantly in fear of having a stroke.
I never write anything down. I write onstage.
I'm not a big birthday guy; I never have been.
Writing is thinking and thinking is hard work.
Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.
Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.
FEMA I always thought was a bone here in your ass.
In New York, f*** isn't even a word. It's a comma.
There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.
My hate of Apple has moved into a hate of Facebook.
All food is comfort food. Maybe I just like to chew.
I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.
It's a shame cars don't run on cognitive dissonance.
All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.
You know. I don't think I'm gonna be Jewish for very long.
If there is hell, it was modeled after junior high school.
I'm amazed that anyone is interested in what I have to say.
We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.
My favorite health club is the International House of Pancakes
As psychotic as it gets outside, the comic can be more psychotic.
You've got to be stupid to heckle me - I am very equipped to win.
He smiles so much, I don't think he has a central nervous system.
Do you know what 'meteorologist' means in English? It means liar.
You got to be just stupid to not be focused on alternative energy.
Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.
There is absolutely nothing you can learn out of one bllodeshot eye.
Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!
I watch some CNN and a lot of Fox, because it helps me get irritated.
I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.
You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.
If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.
I like my friends because they make me feel normal, even though I'm not.
The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.
I hammer on a theme until I'm tired of it and the audience is tired of it.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.