Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm nicer on tax day than I am when I'm on deadline.
I have more faith in my bra than I have in my accountant.
Bad boyfriends don't disguise themselves; their girlfriends do it for them.
Books are to me as homemade tattoos are to an inmate. Can't get enough of them.
I want a man as nice as my retarded dog, but one that doesn't crap on the floor.
Small towns are sometimes like that; familiarity runs high, while regard for personal space is low, if nonexistent.
I bought an electric-powered chain saw with a plug-in cord so if I run away fast enough, you can only chase me so far.
I've had to write a column an hour after I've come back from a funeral. A deadline is a deadline, I mean, that was just what my job was.
Everyone knows there's only one thing less welcome on a stage than a mime, and that's a clown, because everyone knows that clowns eat people.
If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally and if something blocks one route, find another. Never give up.
If you really believe in what you're doing, work hard, take nothing personally, and if something blocks your route, find another. Never give up.
My family were staunch believers in physical violence, not automatic violence, and we had a Safeway around the corner, so we never really needed to kill anything.
You're fighting a battle of good and evil with your dog pimp! Your only weapon is the shimmy! There is power in the shimmy! Make him fear your shimmy! Now, goddamnit, show me your war shimmy!
I've never really considered doing stand up, but I have done readings/spoken word things fairly often in which I'll just tell a bunch of stories and run off at the mouth. I'm a big tangent person.
I could croak with no warning, and the only tragedy anyone would experience would be showing up on the last day of my estate sale simply to discover that all remaining items had copious amounts of dog hair on them.
Justin Halpern tosses lightning bolts of laughter out of his pocket like he is shooting dice in a back alley. In one sweep of a paragraph, he ranges from hysterical to disgusting to touching--and does it all seamlessly. Sh*t My Dad Says is a really, really funny book.
I majored in journalism at Arizona State University, where I began writing the columns I write now, but I cannot, in good conscience, refer to myself as a writer. I'm a columnist, maybe a journalist, I guess I'm an author, but writer... no. That's not up to me to call myself, that's rather lofty. It's for the reader to decide.