Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm more of a rodeo type guy.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo
I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
I can't live without it. I'm on HuskerPedia™ every day.
When you're married with kids, you just think differently.
If guns kill people, I can blame misspelled words on my pencil.
I've only been to these foreign countries: Canada, L.A. and Miami.
I was scared into being good. But I'm sure I did regular kid stuff.
I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT CRITICS, LIKE I SAID THEY DONT BUY TICKETS.
I don't know why people get so bent out of shape over stuff people say.
Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling
Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early from work kill people
I get so sick and tired of Wikipedia. People write their own crap on there.
I don't take myself too seriously. I enjoy what I do. I enjoy making people laugh.
I can have different opinions with anybody. I can still be a friend with that person.
I'm so sick of gay this, gay that. I could care less. It ain't affecting my life at all.
I know I don't want to take the Lord's name in vain, and I don't want to drop any F-bombs.
I've been down in Florida since 1979. When you're born in Nebraska you really can't explain it.
I don't hate anybody. My character is one thing, but me as an individual is completely different.
I'm defending free speech pretty much all over the place because you still have freedom of speech.
Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.
When Pixar calls and says, 'Hey, you wanna be in a Pixar movie?' you don't do a lot of contemplating!
Our whole wedding cost 180 bucks. Afterward, we re-heated lasagna for everyone and set off fireworks.
I was pretty subdued [as a kid ] because I didn't want to get spanked, and I didn't want to go to Hell.
I GREW UP IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE AND HAVE ALWAYS HAD A FRIEND OR 2 THAT TALKED WITH THE SOOUTHERN ACCENT.
We're homebodies. I've gotten to see my kids' first steps, first smiles, first words. Every day is a weekend.
There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."
Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.
I pretty much live on my tour bus.I do well around 300 shows a year. A lot of times I will do two shows a night.
I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.
I was obsessed with livestock barns, cattle and hogs. I still love that, and I still do that as a hobby.So I'm a strange person.
I have thick skin. I'm not a baby. Nothing really offends me. If there's something I think might offend me, I don't listen to it.
I'm saying, come on, the global warming thing? How did the ice melt during the ice ages? Was the dinosaurs driving SUVs around back then?
People always ask my mom what I did as a kid. My mom says, "He wasn't a bad kid. He was never an unruly kid, always listened and obeyed."
I've always felt that if you've been blessed, you should try to help as many people as you can. I just think that's the right thing to do.
I've never judged anybody by how they look or how they dress. I basically judge them on their character. And that's how I lead my own life.
I hate flying. I'm not a big fan of flying at all so everywhere I go I go by tour bus. If I have to fly I will but I'm not a big fan of it.
I think everybody is entitled to say whatever they want. I'm not going to call for anybody to be fired. That's not what America is all about.
When I was a kid down there it was always a dream to go to a Nebraska game but when you live in those small towns you hardly ever get up to one.
Its nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.
It's nice if people can finally loosen up a little bit and just go out laugh at silliness. I mean, people take themselves way too seriously sometimes.
There's nothing better than a Nebraska summer so I wanted to live there in the summer time and visit my family and go to as many Nebraska games as I could.
I don't think every joke has to be so dadgum cerebral. I mix it up really good, because that's the kind of humor I like. I like the goofy one-liner type stuff.
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!
I disagree with a lot of things, but hey, what a person does is between them and their maker. I can disagree with somebody, and I can still be friends with them.
I'm always wearing a Nebraska hat. Most of the time I'm wearing something that's got a Husker something on it. I make sure I have it on TV but I have it regularly.
You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?
As I get older, the character evolves tremendously because I'm married and have kids now and realize certain things are not funny anymore. I threw them out of my act.