Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course
If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?
I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.
The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.
If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.
Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone
The only change I can really see is that I don't have to shop for pants in stores anymore.
Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
Zero, zero belief in myself. And it's changed somewhat, but there's still a lot of that in me.
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.
Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?
I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
I think that what people imagine they're going through is much worse than what they are going through.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
Luck always plays a part for everyone, whether they want to admit it or not. I was very lucky, and I know it.
It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"