Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Golf and dating don't mix.
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.
I'm a walking, talking enigma.
You write about what you know.
I find human contact repulsive.
I'm still driving a Prius, yeah.
I think Michael Moore is a hero.
Let's not forget, I got divorced.
Obviously comedic styles do change.
I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I don't like people cleaning my room.
You know, I'm really not that bright.
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
I have reservations about everything I do.
I just feed off the energy of the audience.
I think Michael Moore is a hero. I love him.
I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.
My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.
I'm trying to elevate small-talk to medium talk.
I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
There's nothing that reflects me. I'm unreflectable!
I'm one of the idiots that negotiates after I write.
I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.
I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied
Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.
I'm surprized Hitler didn't round up the toupee people.
Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.
Well, as you know, I'm really only happy when I'm on stage.
I'm Larry David. I happen to enjoy wearing women's panties.
Perhaps I have a wider range than I'd given myself credit for.
I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.
You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!
People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.
Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.