Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
I definitely do weird things every show.
Sarcasm doesn't read sarcastic in print.
I definitely had a Paul Rudd crush. He's great.
Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.
My sensibilities are like, 'I want it to be weirder.'
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.
'Rock of Love' with Bret Michaels was fun. He's a lovable guy.
Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.
One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!
As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.
Just because I'm married to Doug doesn't mean I can't be here for you.
I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.
All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
I thought I would either be an epidemiologist or a 'Price Is Right' model.
If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.
No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
I loved 'Burning Love,' and I really do love almost everything Paul Scheer touches.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
Oh man, the car could just burst into flames right now and this would be the way to go, huh guys?
I'm not really a control person, and I'm a big believer in collaboration. I like to have a friend.
I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!
I would like to be known as someone who was really sweet but also knowledgeable in all areas of life.
I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from bringing their kids.
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
In high school, I was doing a skit for forensics and people started laughing, more than I was prepared to deal with. It was a surprise.
I don't enjoy reality television at all. I have to say that I get it, though. I watch some of it, and I understand why people enjoy it.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually.
This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
Mel: Does Bret's girlfriend look anything like me? Murray: A little, around the eyes. Mel: Oh yeah? Big eyes huh? Murray: Well... she's got eyes.
I prefer writing for myself to perform, I guess. But if I had to choose, I'd rather perform in someone's movie than write a movie for someone else.
I love the idea that I have the power to look for the projects I can put myself into, but I'm still at that level of just being happy to have a job.
I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.
I would love for people to know that the label 'feminist' is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.
My parents are pretty religious, devout, but did they force it on me? No, I don't think so. I still think of myself as a Lutheran, just one who doesn't go to church.
I never really saw myself as a standup comedian. I always just thought of myself as someone who used the eight minutes or 10 minutes she was allotted and had a blast.
I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.
I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.
You're looking good today Bret. Very hot... hotter than Jemaine. You have a refined bone structure, while Jemaine's facial features are too deep set to be classically handsome.
Being a correspondent on 'The Daily Show' is some combination of doing a character and doing stand-up. It's a juggling act to find a balance between being you and playing a role.