Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.
In South Carolina, Senator John Edwards won handily, fulfilling his promise to win every state he was born in.
I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
Don't you dare besmirch the name of Congress. They are patriotic Americans trying to dress and feed themselves.
I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'
Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.
I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.
[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.
The election moment is merely the American public saying, "We'd rather you be President than that guy." That's it.
Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.
New York City isn't Chuck E. Cheese. We don't have ball pits for the kids to play in. We have titty bars and crack.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
I think you lose your innocence when you have kids, because the world suddenly becomes a much more dangerous place.
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
It's like America has a dog that's always shitting inside the house, and we solved the problem by getting a brown rug.
[CNN, USA Today] they've got 24 hours to fill. You know, how many times can Anna Nicole Smith's baby get a new father?
I'm thrilled to be asked to host the Academy Awards for the second time because, as they say, the third time's a charm.
You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.
Wait a minute, words in the prompter, script on my desk, vending machine upstairs out of Funyuns... the writers are back!
You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.
Never name it after yourself. Maybe we'll throw a with in there. That seems to work. Like Late Show With David Letterman.
If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.
Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.
When the court that handpicked you to be president tells you you've overstepped your bounds, you've overstepped your bounds.
You need to take a long, hard look in the mirror and not come away thinking, "Hey, there's something wrong with this mirror."
You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...
To me, that's where a lot of satire lies. News used to hold itself to a higher plane and slowly it has dissolved into, well, me.
The unfortunate, yet truly exciting thing about your life, is that there is no core curriculum. The entire place is an elective.
Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad claims there are no homosexuals in Iran, just like there are no gay conservatives in the US.
Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.
The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.
[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.
Here's what I realized about the yam - it's the same colour as a Nerf ball. You may be wondering: 'Is he saying he ate a Nerf ball?'.
Everyone knows if a Republican comes out of the closet and sees a gay shadow, it means six more years of a Democratic administration.
That's the beauty of our show. Comedy or politics. We're sort of a mix. A space age polymer of both. A synthetic comedy-like material.
Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.
I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.
The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party
The President says, "We are in the fight for a way of life. This is the greatest battle of our generation, and of the generations to come."
Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain.
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."