Jon Stewart Quotes - Page 4

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I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food?

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.

I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.

This is what happens when you don't let gays marry; they start designing clothes out of spite.

We all know what happens to celebrities when their time is up - rehab and then a stint on VH1.

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

I watch a lot of astronaut movies....Mostly Star Wars. And even Han and Chewie use a checklist.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

The value of holding a grudge. And to always refer to my father sarcastically as Mr. Wonderful.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

You know, in Saudi Arabia, you're innocent until proven Jewish. Female. Guilty! They're guilty!

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.

I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.

What I like to do is come in, write the entire program and treat my staff to hot stone massages.

I have not moved out of the comedian's box into the news box. The news box is moving towards me.

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

They may want to insist that corporations are people but corporations are certainly not Americans.

I still do not understand how a corporation can have person-hood if it has no soul and never dies.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

What's it called when a hellhole hits a cataclysm? A catastro[phrack]. I just coined that, didn't I?

Apparently the only time the press gets it right is when the White House illegally leaks it to them.

Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.

It seems like Michael Vick is going to jail for dog fighting. Hopefully, they won't have guard dogs.

When you think about it, Alaska is also near the North Pole, so she must also be friends with Santa.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

In whose delusional mind is democracy made 'better' by allowing wealthy people to control more of it?

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

The only time a politico will try to avoid playing the blame game is when they or theirs are to blame.

I really think [the Bush Administration]'s foreign policy agenda is to spread irony through the world.

You're on CNN. The show that leads into me is puppets making crank phone calls. What is wrong with you?

There's nothing like a shipwreck to spark the imagination of everyone who was not on that specific ship.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

A joke is a joke. There's an expression - I don't know if you have it - that's 'adding insult to injury.'

So Fox News is the voice of America and Obama is Stalin? Oh my God! I guess that makes me Yakov Smirnoff.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

War that hasn't affected us here, in the way that you would imagine a five-year war would affect a country.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

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