Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Bush's popularity is at 40% in South America? He could be their president!
The beautiful thing about faking a news show is the topicality is delayed.
Jazz musicians are the coolest people on the planet. Can I have some cool?
I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.
I don't have a sort of Amway-esque chart up on my refrigerator or anything.
People, if you can't get through the puns, I can't give you the good stuff.
9/11 references are like Lay's potato chips...no Congress can make just one.
Isn't it amazing what scientists can accomplish when no one makes them stop?
Wow, the entire network of anchors has been hired to be the press secretary.
If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?
Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.
I don't approve of political jokes; I have seen too many of them get elected.
As long as I don't end up hosting a skin care commercial with Cher, I'm happy.
Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.
You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.
You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.
I'm not trying to be modest of self-deprecating or in any way trying to do that.
President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.
The danger of oppression is not just being oppressed, it's becoming an oppressor.
Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.
The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.
Apparently the only thing worse than a terrorist attack, is a gay man stopping it!
Bad jokes, and gay marriage are destroying this country - but torture can save it.
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
You've confused a war on your religion with not always getting everything you want.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
The best-laid plans of mice and comedians usually wind up on the cutting-room floor.
McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.
Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.
Everything in Italian sounds like 'Give me your money or I'm going to beat your @$$'.
I just thought, there are very few stories involving me, Anna Nicole Smith, and Jesus.
Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.
Al-Qaeda's resurgence brings out the worst in the Bush Administration's math and logic.
Doing stand-up comedy is in the middle of a traffic jam getting everybody moving again.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Democrats - always standing up for what they later realize they should have believed in.
What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
Here's the thing about global warming that I didn't realize: it would all happen at once.
The best defence against bullshit is vigilance. So if you smell something, say something.
The press is our immune system. If it overreacts to everything, we eventually get sicker.
Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
The rise of secularism has brought about an increase in hostility toward things religious.
If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.
Why do I have to follow CNN on Twitter? If I want to follow CNN, I can follow them on CNN.
We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.