Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.
Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.
I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.
Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
The good news is that the president gets another chance. The bad news is that he'll be two weeks older.
I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.
We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.
I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.
The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
It's the lack of this kind of open and honest education about sex that causes so many kids to grow up with sexual hang-ups.
Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
I am one of the lucky people in the world: I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.
They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.
When the public starts classifying you as thoughtful, someone given to serious issues, you find yourself declassified as a humorist.
I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.
Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.
People thought I was funny, so I kind of took entertaining for granted... it was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.
As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?
According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.
Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.
I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.
I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.