Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Only lie about the future.
When turkeys mate they think of swans.
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
We're more effective than birth control pills.
Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.
Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.
The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.
An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.
I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.
Democracy means free television, not good television, but free.
I owe one thing to my public - the best performance I can give.
Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.
Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.
Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.
Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called sucking up to the stars.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.
Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.
I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
The only issue cash presents you is the independence of not stressing about funds.
I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.
If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.
I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
