Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You know that things are not going well when you lose the moral high ground to a TMZ reporter.
I'm British, so obviously I repress any powerful emotions of any kind in relation to anything.
Stand-up, for me, is really more of an addiction, so you have to feed the beast whenever you can.
Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says 'I don't give a royal s**t.'
I feel more at home knowing I'm not really at home. It takes all the pressure off you trying to fit in!
I guess the tone of jokes is often, at best, irreverent, but it always comes from a place of deep love.
Once you learn how to make people laugh, then you get to choose exactly how you want to make them laugh.
Being a Mets fan is like lending someone a lot of money and you just know that you'll never get paid back.
Attending a Sarah Palin rally was simultaneously one of the strangest and most chilling events of my life.
I think it might honestly be time for the Sunshine State to officially change its motto to the Worst State.
Net neutrality: The only two words that promise more boredom in the English language are 'featuring Sting,'
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
Sometimes it's good to remember how bad food can be, so you can enjoy the concept of flavour to the fullest.
Wow. Losing 95 percent of your audience in just five years. That basically makes Obama the NBC of presidents.
I knew I was going to go into the field and make fun of people to their faces. I knew what I was getting into.
You're sonically racist, Americans. You think we all sound the same, whereas I have definitely a mongrel accent.
Mr. President, no one is saying you broke any laws, we're just saying it's a little bit weird you didn't have to.
There are some people who watch NASCAR for the highly skilled driving - but most people watch it for the crashes.
When you're doing stand-up, you want to stand onstage and, to the extent that you can, uncomplicatedly entertain.
The moment I accept that there's an artistic, redeeming quality in puns, I have a horrible feeling I'll get hooked.
Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.
I've said yes to everything that Jon Stewart has asked me to do. That's been a pretty good career decision, I think.
When you're dealing with serious subjects, there is a pressure to be absolutely sure that you know what you're doing.
When you see people say crazy things on our show, they mean this stuff,and that's easy to forget: They're not joking.
Armando Iannucci is one of my heroes. As I was growing up, he was probably the most influential comic voice that I had.
Having a human conversation is not something I've had any training in either as a comedian or as, you know, a human being.
One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
Congratulations, Congress! 77% disapproval rating! You may be about to become the English language's most offensive C-word.
The British press are a group of unremitting scumbags. And sometimes they use that scumbaggery to good ends, and often not.
There's never any time I think I'm a real journalist, because I don't have any of the qualifications or the intentions for that.
You can write jokes at any point of the day. Jokes are not that hard to write, or they shouldn't be when it is literally your job.
When you've married someone who's been at war, there is nothing you can do that compares to that level of selflessness and bravery.
When you do stand-up, you're just concerned with trying to leave with some semblance of human dignity at the end of your performance.
I'm not really much of an actor, so when I started on 'The Daily Show', I was just trying to adopt the faux authority of a newsperson.
I have a green card now, but they can take that away, yeah, they can take that away at any moment. So please don't; please let me keep it.
I'm always interested in audience interaction. Not so much aggressive audience interaction - I'm genuinely interested in how people see things.
I don't know if there is some psychological thing of wanting to know where your doctor got his degree from before he comes into the medical room.
It's exciting to have a role in anything that's Claymation, just because you're always intrigued by what a clay wizard version of yourself would be.
I really love stand-up. I'm more than happy to do it for nothing. I've come to America to do it for nothing. It's the American Dream: Work for free.
Iran is the middle child of the Axis of Evil. Iraq is the oldest child and gets the lion's share of the attention, and North Korea is the crazy baby.
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.
The poverty line is like the age of consent: if you find yourself parsing exactly where it is, you’ve probably already done something very, very wrong.
You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'
If I wanted to take a more activist or journalistic slant in work, I should probably just go be an activist or a journalist. But I'm happy being a comedian.
As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.
I've always been interested in socially political, or overtly political, comedy. And I guess I've always liked to channel some kind of personal element to that.
Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f---ing wants them there.
Sarah Palin has been hired back by Fox News, and she only left five months ago. She has now effectively quit quitting. She can't even commit to being uncommitted.
Here in America, people come out to see what they've known you to do. In England it's like everyone comes out to tell you exactly how well they think you're doing.
It was probably years before I was confident enough in stand-up that I was able to talk about the things I wanted to talk about, the way I wanted to talk about them.