Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I love 'Pointless.'
I was quite a fat lad.
My sewing skills are terrible!
I've got really into gardening.
World domination was never the plan.
I'm a qualified swimming instructor.
I don't have too much of a grand plan.
I'm good at throwing fabric on myself!
I quite like the idea that I'm a situation.
I don't think I like sharing the limelight.
I do a very good impression of Louis Armstrong.
Every year I buy a big faux-fur coat for the winter.
You can't go too far wrong with the Pointer Sisters.
Since doing comedy, I'm less of a show-off in real life.
I make a sensational chicken, chorizo and mung bean stew.
I don't do vulgarity, I prefer to talk about nice things.
I remember weeping silently in bed after watching 'Titanic.'
I buy flowers for myself all the time. I'm comedy's Elton John.
I keep getting mobbed in M&S and Debenhams. I feel like Barry Manilow.
I'm a bit done with weddings. There are so many and I'm so bored of them.
I always loved 'The Weakest Link' and how brutal Anne Robinson was on it.
As a child, I used to bite my toenails, which is grim. I can still do it.
Even though I now eat meat, I have halloumi every day - even at breakfast.
I am now reconciled to the fact that I am a millennial through and through.
A theatre tour as me, Joe Lycett, with support acts. That would be the dream.
I've attempted tech-free days when I turn off the phone and stare at the iPad instead.
I love painting. I love writing. I love creating and being around people who are creating.
I'm so British and polite that creating a scene or being confrontational is so not my vibe.
I think it's important to go out and gig all over the country, it makes you a better comic.
I'd love to grow a pair of discreet wings so I could just fly around a bit and impress people.
Alan Carr is an out and proud gay man but there isn't a famous bisexual equivalent - it's a lot rarer.
I'm not that sort of writer where I can restrict myself to a theme, just in case nothing good comes of it.
There are many terms that have been used to describe me: man, comedian, disappointment, hammock enthusiast.
In England, there are four major cities within a two-hour drive, so the comedy circuit thrives as a result.
Life is hard. There's parking fines, PPI, the Kardashians - it's a marvel any of us manage to get out of bed.
If you organise a dinner party, and two guests cancel, it is still a dinner party: you still get to eat dinner.
I originally came out as gay when I was a teenager, then backtracked when I thought I had closed off the market a bit!
The Time It Takes' is one of the most brilliantly daft shows I've ever been involved in - and that's saying something.
If anything kept me awake at night it would be worrying that there wouldn't be enough time to have a nap the next day.
I'm not sure if I'm an introvert or extrovert. I love being around people, but sometimes I do need to go off and fart.
Turns out it's bloody hard to make a sculpture that looks like a human head, so I've not bothered. Realism is for squares.
I love living in Birmingham, it's just a lovely gentle life, and it's calm. And it's full of Brummies who I find hilarious.
I try and avoid the big comics in Edinburgh. You can see them on tour. Edinburgh is all about seeing the smaller comedians.
You should always ask for a refund at the theatre, apart from my shows, of course, where I won't be handing out any refunds.
I often ask people in the audience what their favourite cheese is. Anything less than Gruyere and they're just not middle class!
I don't want someone to be nice and friendly while telling me my bill's gone up by 10 per cent because they've just decided that.
I nearly got hit by a car while I was trying to write a stupid joke but a female sheep stood in the way. I can't thank ewe enough.
I think it's important some people do publicly go 'Hey, I'm not straight and I'm not gay. I'm somewhere in the middle and that's ok.'
When I started stand-up, it was really just to have a go at alpha males essentially, there was no plan and there never has been really.
Normally during the week between Christmas and New Year I'm slumped in a chair in Birmingham, eating, farting and spouting total nonsense.