Quotes by Joe E. Lewis - Page 1

I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Alcohol
Drink
Drinking
Forget
Ironic
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I always wake up at the crack of ice.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Alcohol
Drinking
Ice
Wake Up
Crack
Wake
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We can afford almost any mistake once.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Mistake
Afford
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It pays to get drunk with the best people.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Best
Alcohol
Drunk
People
Pays
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If you drink like a fish, don't drive: swim.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Beer
Sarcastic
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I don’t drink anymore - just the same amount.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Amount
Drink
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I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Alcohol
Doctors
Drinking
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I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Alcohol
Bombs
Noise
Bomb
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Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Friendship
Friends
Humor
Needs
Show
Friend
Pest
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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Might
Taxes
Funny Love Way
Marry
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I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Money
Nerves
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Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Baseball
Steel
Yankees
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There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Money
One Thing
Poverty
Buy
Only One Thing
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You only live once - but if you work it right, once is enough.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Work
Enough
Once
Live
You
Right
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Show me a man with very little money and I will show you a bum.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Little Money
Money Man Me
Bum
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I met with an accident on the way to the track; I arrived safely.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Gambling
Track
Way
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You are only young once, and if you work it right, once is enough.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Life
Enough
Living Once
You Only Live Once
Young
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I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Sports
Golf
Hotter
Play
Low
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A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Men
Alcohol
Drunk
Holding On
Floor
Holding
Lay
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Beer
Camels
Distrust
Drink
Drinking
Week
Go
Anyone
Anyone Else
Without
Else
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If you want to make a dangerous man your friend, let him do you a favor.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Favor
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It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor - as long as you've got money.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Money
Long
Matter
Poor
Rich
Rich Or Poor
Money Rich Poor
Got
Whether
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I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Girl
Chasing
Remember
Stills
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Boys, I have been rich and I have been poor, and believe me being rich is better.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Money
Believe
Boys
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Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Scotch
Thirsty
Whenever
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I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Men
Alcohol
Dean
Drink
Next
Man Me More
Martin
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Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my scotch, I say, I'm thirsty, not dirty.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Food
Dirty
Drinking
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Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Men
Feet
Gnarly
Maturity
Pants
Man Me Feet
Show
Both
Ground
His
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Adlai Stevenson has a genius for saying the right thing, at the right time, to the wrong people.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Time
Genius
People
Right Thing
Stevenson
The Right Thing
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I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Funny
Humor
Drinking
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I never went to school beyond the 3rd grade, but my mother taught me the difference between right and wrong.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Differences
Mother
School
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I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Gambling
Losing
Taken
Streak
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I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Diet
Doctors
Faster
Pep
Pills
Tired
Ate
Doctor
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You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to roll over and float on his back, then you got something!
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Floats
Horse
Water
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They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
Joe E. Lewis / Comedian
Bladder
Decided
Glasses
Medicine
Needs
Stomach
Me Day Know
Inside
All Day
Examined
Gall
Looked
Operating
Table
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Joe E. Lewis Quotes - Page 1

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