Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
My father was a doctor so I was around death all my life. So, I was very used to it because he was a f-king doctor.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
I'm sure some of you are wondering whether my breasts are real. Let me just explain to you. This one is, this one isn't.
Your anger can be 49 percent and your comedy 51 percent, and you're okay. If the anger is 51 percent, the comedy is gone.
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
It's like, God, I'm in my 80s. Nobody, when I die, is going to say, 'How young?' They're going to say she had a great ride.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain weight and have a great sex life.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
The first rule of survival is: Make your own rules. The hell anyone thinks about the way you're acting; listen only to yourself.
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.