Joan Rivers Quotes - Page 5

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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.

I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.

The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.

When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.

In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected; the only surprise is a day that has none.

If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: "Last Girl Before Freeway."

I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

Mel Gibson's father doesn't think there was a Holocaust? Great. I don't think there's a movie. We're even.

When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

"I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'"

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

Here's a Thanksgiving tip. Generally, your turkey is not cooked enough if it passes you the cranberry sauce.

The last time I saw a blonde with red streaks in her hair she was laying on Oscar Pistorius' bathroom floor.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year - and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

You've gotta understand - when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I think Hillary Clinton's style is perfect. Perfect. You don't notice what she's wearing, you notice the woman.

I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.

The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.

Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.

Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.

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