Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young'; it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: "Run your own race, put on your blinders."
I've had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.
Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
She's so hairy - when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.
Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.
Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
I'm so fat and I'm so depressed; last night I tried to hang myself - but the rope broke.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.
Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'