Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.
When you have a baby, sleep is not an option. You can't sleep. Even on vacation, you wake up at 6:30 a.m.
My wife and I had been trying a while to have a baby. We tried a bunch of things - so we had a surrogate.
When NBC told me I got the job, I asked, 'Can we do it from New York?' There was just silence on the phone
My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.
Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.
If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet.
The fans were so psyched that someone was doing a movie about a Boston fan that they were giving their all.
[Writing a joke] there is no team of writers. It's just you in an office, staring at yourself in the mirror.
There couldn't have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It's beyond baseball. It's rooting for your family.
At a recent education summit, President Obama admitted that he can't rap. When they heard, Americans said, 'Good!'
A new study found that a mother's diet affects her baby's allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.
Apparently, the Obamas chose New York City because they've gotten so used to people trying to break into their house.
We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog.
Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.
President Obama finally has his own personal Twitter account. Even John McCain said, 'Welcome to the Internet, grandpa.'
I love Nashville. I've been here so many times... oh man, I would stay here for a year if I could. It's just so much fun.
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
A recent study found that people lie more when they are texting. Yeah, especially that one lie: "Sorry, just got your text!
Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'
This morning my dad called me up and said, 'So, tonight's your last show, huh.' And I said, 'No, Dad, that's someone else.'
I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.
Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot.
I remember people saying to us, "You're too nice. Hollywood is going to eat you up and spit you out." I never listened to them.
Anything I learned was just work hard, just keep working and don't worry about the outside stuff. Whatever happens will happen.
You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you torture yourself.
Hurricane Irene ... the storm was huge news. In fact, the Weather Channel reported something they haven't seen in years. Viewers.
I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named "Jihad." Or as the TSA put it, "Hope you like Amtrak!
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'
Today Russia announced that it will join America's fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, "But I did not say which side.
Apparently President Obama's favorite cocktail is a martini. When asked how he likes it, he said, 'On the beach, in Hawaii, in 2017.'
A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie is going to Israel. He's going to be pretty disappointed when he finds out the Gaza Strip isn't a steak.
A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.
When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who makes ballon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.
It's Friday. That's one reason to celebrate. Also, it's the first day in a long time when no one declared they're running for president.
People have disliked me. You know, in high school, I wasn't the most popular kid. I wasn't the nerdiest kid. I was kind of in the middle.
According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.
Scott Walker's campaign slogan is 'Reform. Growth. Safety.' Which is actually similar to Donald Trump's new slogan: 'Mexico. Money. Crazy.'
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.
Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.
It would've been amazing [to work as programmer]. You're good at numbers, you're good with people, you like to wear shorts in the summertime.
Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.'
Thank you... fat dude with giant headphones on the subway, for looking like what would've happened if Jabba the Hutt mated with Princess Leia.
I'd do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson's 'Beat It.'
A peacock escaped from the Central Park Zoo and wandered around the city. Either that or I just saw a pigeon on his way to a gay pride parade.
The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.
Whenever I'm stuck in traffic, I can't help but wonder, 'Where did the creator of The Jetsons go, and why hasn't he done something about this?'
Father's Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it's the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.