Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
I never expect anything. The more good things that happen the better, but I never expect anything.
Here's the rule of thumb: When the entire family looks like the unibomber, they're against gay marriage.
If I leave the mike in the stand, my hands absolutely move more. I'm not sure if it's a conscious thing.
People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.
Comics who consider themselves 'mavericks' or think the crowd doesn't get them are normally lousy comics.
No matter how many books I've sold, nothing can correct the fact I look like Alfred Hitchcock from the side.
I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
I love Philly so much. I know that at any time, any place, a fight can break out. Those are great comedy fans.
Every comic says things that are going to offend someone, so we all have to defend each other with this stuff.
I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
Americans have always been inconsistent and kind of fake with outrage, but we've just slipped totally upside-down.
Google is not my friend. I've been way too open in my career. Google has killed any shot I have on the dating apps.
For me, a good comedy town is filled with people on the verge of a riot. They need something to relieve the tension.
I love everything about Boston. The women are phenomenal, they're all dirty. It's just a really great place to do comedy.
I find when most people are offended, it's phony. It's an attention-seeking device. So I love to call them out on it from stage.
Comedians want honest discussion because it affects us. We make our living talking, so anything around language affects us greatly.
People say that Americans trends are transient, but the one activity we never seem to tire of is being outraged. Boy, do we love it!
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
I know I'm funny, and I like to be in front of people, and the fact that I'm good at that. It's the one thing that gave me self-esteem.
All major cities are the same. People have the same sensibilities and they get afraid of the same subjects, groaning at the same things.
I love doing the radio, and it's different every day. But stand-up is just you and the immediate reaction of the audience. So I love both.
From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.
I think what's happening is that women are allowed to be funnier as we stop pretending that there are subjects that they shouldn't address.
The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.
I date but nothing really long term. I haven't had much luck. I probably haven't met the right woman. Most probably know to stay away from me.
I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?
I don't think any comedy is ever shocking. I don't buy that. That's just what people brand it, when someone is saying something they don't like.
The biggest killer to funny is hyper sensitivity to certain subject matter and Montreal is as guilty of that as L.A. or New York or San Francisco.
You can't apologize for who you are on a stage, you can reveal who you are but don't apologize because that's begging the audience to turn on you.
I have exposed so much of my own real life. Like I feel like I always try to be honest and I always try to talk about where I am at and what I want.
A lot of times the mainstream public loves something, critics will hate it and then they'll think the public is stupid and they're above the public.
It's really hard to truly want people who you hate to have the right to say whatever they want. And we all disguise the ugly self-centeredness of it.
I wanted to do a talk show that reminded me of the old school ones I loved as a kid, without all the fake enthusiasm and sound bite-driven conversations.
If the show is going really well and the comedian is still annoyed with the audience, chances are he's a Boston comic. That's the beauty of Boston comics.
I always wore a hat. They were gonna throw me out of high school because I wouldn't take my hat off. But it was just a deep insecurity about my awful hair.
People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.
I got a GED when I was 21 and it doesn't mean anything to me now. I'm still a high school dropout and I like the fact that I've had a good life without that.
I don't worry about the crowds agreeing with me anymore. I want them to laugh and have a good time, but I think they can disagree with you and still enjoy it.
It's surreal to be hanging out on Ozzy's patio with him talking politics. It's so funny when people doubt that he's with it because he's a really sharp, smart guy.
I've done 'Letterman' twice and he was friendly, he said hello as he was shaking your hand and in front of the audience, but you never spoke to him before or after.
You know, Americans think that they're such progessive and free thinkers, but we're as uptight as any other country when it comes to speech and language and content.
I know that I have a good career and I'm really busy, but there's always that part of my mind that's like, 'You're not doing enough, nobody knows you're alive, you're failing.'
My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
Being 'edgy' is not just cursing. There are some things socially that are just not acceptable to make fun of. Anything with race, they really won't let you do on TV unless it's completely soft.
The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.