Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I get bored really fast.
I am a really bad boyfriend.
I am a degenerate, and I know that.
I never care if the audience groans.
I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.
You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.
I don't have jokes that I can't defend.
You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.
Don Lemon is one of my favorites. I love him.
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
I unloaded trucks for a living and I hated it.
No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.
My instinct is to be honest and make fun of things.
Obviously I'm 100-percent for freedom of expression.
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
I don't care if I offend people. I really don't care.
I'm a much nicer guy than people think I'm going to be.
I like Fox, but I also like Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon.
I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
Ozzy Osbourne is one of my favorite interviews, he's so good.
Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
To me the important thing for a comic to be is emotionally honest.
Well, audiences will laugh at a lot of things that comedians won't.
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
I like to keep busy, because otherwise I'd be languishing by myself.
The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
I think people like to label everything. I just think it's comfortable.
I have cowlicks, so my hair has always been a source of torture for me.
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
I get away with 10 times more on 'Leno' than I would on any other show.
Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.
You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.
The one curse in America is that we deny who we really are and what we like.
I once had a therapist fall asleep on me. That really wrecks your self-esteem.
I'm afraid if I start to enjoy life, the rug will be yanked out from beneath me.
Anything you can do that's self-destructive in Vegas, whatever that is, I do it.
I'm not really great at writing things down unless for a roast or a particular event.
Everyone has a reason why their particular sacred cow is the sacred cow to be honored.
I'd like to get my own TV show on, whether it's a talk show or a comedy, that I write.
Trevor Noah is a great, relevant young comic, and Comedy Central is smart to stand by him.
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.