Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.
The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.
I don't know what's more exhausting about parenting: the getting up early, or acting like you know what you're doing.
My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.
Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?
I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.
What's amazing about doing movies, compared to television, there's an ending you can see. There's an enthusiasm to it.
You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.
Isn't it strange -- when you're single, all you see is couples, and when you're part of a couple, all you see are hookers.
I don't think comedians make an active decision to be a certain "persona." Comedians write the way they're going to write.
It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.
Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.
Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.
I was the youngest of six kids, so yeah, feeding myself was important, but it's not like I was obsessed with food growing up.
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
Thanksgiving, you know - Thanksgiving - it's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is we overeat.
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
I'm not saying that McDonald's gift certificates caused the obesity epidemic, but in retrospect, the timing is kind of suspicious.
Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.
Stand-up is an amazing art form, I think, because it's all about you having complete control of the situation, but absolutely none.
I'm getting fat ... as I planned. Luckily, my gut is intentional. I'm actually preparing for a big role. Sure, it's a cinnamon roll.
As an actor, you deal with so much rejection and humiliation. When the good things come around, you tend not to trust your instincts.
I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.
You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'
In Indiana, I wasn't anything special. But in New York, I've gone out with girls with purple hair who go out with me because I'm exotic!
Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.
I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.
Babies, they learn how to walk and they are already trying to run away. You can't reach the doorknob, you only know us, think it through.
It's amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? 'What the? Has someone been kidnapped?'
My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.
I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.
I'm afraid of a couple things. I'm afraid of getting caught up in other people's expectations, because I feel like that's an ongoing battle.
There has been this belief among the Catholic community - and this - I'm no expert, this is my opinion - that cafeteria Catholics are wrong.
Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?
Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?
I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.
There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.
I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.
Manhattan's probably one of the bluest parts in the country, and Indiana's definitely one of the redder states. I have sympathy for both sides.
On MySpace ... the whole demographic of the stand-up comedy fan has changed. It's like an indie band thing. People think they've discovered you.