Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like to stay in a hotel where it's a dome of silence. I can sit in my room and do nothing.
Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.
When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.
There are different parts of us. You want to feel safe but you want to also feel challenged.
You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.
If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'
You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!
You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."
Faith is something that's - it's hard to articulate. It's - there's - it's not based on logic.
I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.
Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?
Some of my fear and anxieties surrounding faith, I think, provides some good comedy for my act.
I'm an eccentric, silly, observational guy, but I'm not gonna frighten off social conservatives.
You know what it's like having five kids? Imagine you're drowning. And someone hands you a baby.
Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.
That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.
There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.
Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.
I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.
It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'
Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.
One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.
If I was on an airplane, the people in coach would know who I am. But no one in first class would know.
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.
Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.
I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.
Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"
I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!
Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
I've never eaten a Hot Pocket and then afterwards been, I'm glad I ate that. I'm always like, I'm gonna die.
Besides hot pockets keeps introducing new products every 10 minutes so I always have new stuff on the topic.
You ever read an article, and at the bottom, it says, 'Continued on page six'? I'm , 'Not for me. I'm done.'
There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.
I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.
The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.
Comedians kind of write what comes to them. You can give yourself little assignments, but it's what inspires you.
I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'
Babies should be classified as an antidepressant. It's pretty hard to be in a bad mood around a 5-month-old baby.
There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.
I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.
The ridiculousness and idiocy of life is embraced and examined. It nurtures the childhood perspective in everyone.
When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.
The Pearly Gates. Am I the only one who finds it odd that Heaven has gates? What kind of neighborhood is Heaven in?