Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.
I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.
I have more pictures of my children than my father ever looked at me.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
I'm there to make people laugh. I'm not trying to come across as sexy.
That's not to say that I'm a well-informed Catholic. I'm still in idiot.
Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."
Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.
Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.
After you eat a Hot Pocket, Everything will taste like rubber for a month!
Meredith Baxter Birney gets beaten by a rod, in the Lifetime Original, Rod.
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?
What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?
I would say I'm - in the show, I'm a cultural Catholic, which is what I was.
The idea of having a large family, I definitely had a romantic notion of it.
I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.
Comedians rarely have writers, and if you do it's usually a sign of laziness.
I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.
I don't know if I'm the husky guy, but I'm the sexy guy who's a good kisser .
Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.
I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.
I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.
You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.
I try to only eat animals that are vegan. I'm probably the opposite of a vegan.
The hardest part of the day is all the stuff after I open my eyes in the morning.
Failing and laughing at your own shortcomings are the hallmarks of a sane parent.
Once you identify yourself as believing something, you open yourself to ridicule.
How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.
I think I have a lot of voices in my head and I guess my inner critic is a female.
My faith kind of keeps me in touch with the idea that I'm not in control of things.
There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.
I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.
I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.
Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.
My faith is very personal. It's not something that I want to project on other people.
Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
I like that in my audiences, there's a lesbian couple sitting next to a Mormon family.
Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.
I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.
I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.
I realize I look very hip hop but I'm really more emo with a definite Brazilian flavor.
No one goes into standup to make money. The frustration and rejection are just too much.
I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.
One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.
I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.