Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Cancer is always funny.
We tend to outdo ourselves.
I grew up in Sheepshead Bay.
Yeah, I am a character actor.
I've been outed as a Christian.
I just want to be known as funny.
My comedy is romanticized laziness.
I love standup comedians. I really do.
I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.
I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.
My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.
Be more assertive with what you want to do.
My new years resolution? I will be less laz.
I come from a very big family. Nine parents.
I like to think of bread as really bland cake.
"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody
Deep frying a Twinkie makes it healthy, right?
I don't want people to think I believe in God.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.
I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.
Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?
You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?
Ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
I would say that now I'm somebody who goes to church.
I never went to church when I was in college, either.
Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.
There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.
Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.
A lot of the teachings really kind of keep me grounded.
My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.
You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.
The DC Improv food is amazingly edible for a comedy club.
Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.
Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.
All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.
Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.
My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'
I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.
Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.
I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.
I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.
I don't want to get involved in the culture war. Religion's iffy.
I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.
I spent most of my adult life essentially agnostic or an atheist.
Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?
The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?
The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.
I would say my return to my faith is - it's a very personal thing.
Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?
If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.