Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
Pay attention; don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
I like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.
Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.
I like any cereal. I like the idea of just eating and drinking with one hand without looking.
Sex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.
Twitter is good. Why say a lot to a few people when you can say virtually nothing to everyone?
Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.
Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.
Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.
Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?
Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.
I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.
Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
I've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.
You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.
It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.
The hardest thing in comedy is to have the biggest laugh at the end, and it’s the most satisfying thing.
Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.
Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?
We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.
The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.
I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.
The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.