Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I like definitive things.
Festivus for the Restivus!
Men want to make women happy.
Success is the enemy of comedy.
Why would anybody want a friend?
I'm old, I'm rich and I'm tired.
The best revenge is living well.
But I don't want to be a pirate!
I am speechless: I have no speech
I love being a dad. I just love it.
These pretzels are making me thirsty!
Economy is essential to all good art.
You can be passionate about anything.
What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.
I love advertising because I love lying.
I love the day date. No wine, no shower.
I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.
You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.
All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.
Can't you at least die with a little dignity?
A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.
You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day
There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.
To a guy like me, a laugh is full of information.
If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.
Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.
You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.
People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.
I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son
I only do a show when there's somebody I want to talk to.
Sex to save the friendship? Well if we have to we have to.
I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.
Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.
Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.
I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Wise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.
I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.
I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.
I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.
My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.