Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Improv requires one thing I lack that I think most mothers need - the basic instinct to put someone else first.
I'm very big into just feeling good and doing what I want; I'm not very calculated or thoughtful about my moves.
[Twitter] certainly doesn't hurt me. I'm not in any pain over any of the things I see. I'm just more disappointed.
[Twitter] is not totally where I go anymore to sell myself as a concept, as a comedian, because it moves too fast.
I think I say things nicely and my whole goal is to be understood and that includes by people who don't understand me.
I used to make albums because I wasn't touring, and so I thought, "This is the best way for people to find out about me.
I did buy a new piece of furniture so it's like, "Oh, that's something new." But generally my goals are made in the fall.
I still have to work paycheck to paycheck. Being in show business doesn't indicate that you're a 'success,' in my opinion.
I don't know if I don't believe in monogamy. I think I do believe in it depending on the person or situation or something.
I mean, I can't say that I've had many deep thoughts because I traveled alone, but it's good to be with myself in the quiet.
At first, there was a separation of clubs and sketch comedy. Now there's all kinds of comedy, making us one big happy family.
I don't even think people really understand how you can get pregnant or when you get pregnant. I still have questions about that.
There's something grand and revolutionary still about [women] traveling alone. There are some parts of the world where you can't.
We have to get women's stories out there so a guy will read it, laugh, and think, 'I'm not laughing at a chick story but a story.'
I put my filter on, though, and I only see things people I follow [on Twitter] write now. So, I don't even know anymore [ trolls].
When you travel, people might not have the same ideas about what is interesting. I'm not really good at compromising when I travel.
Its almost Thanksgiving! A day when you get to hear your extended family use racial slurs for groups are not taking away their jobs.
I don't do jokes about elections so that's probably why it went okay for me, except for the crazy people that are hate-crime people.
A lot of relationships have ended for me in my 20s, because I knew that eventually those people would wanna settle down and have kids.
My rule is if one person says it, a thousand people want to say it. That goes for compliments too. I try to balance it out in my head.
I try to minimize the noise, and I don't use Facebook except for my fan page, and I don't look at anything. It's getting a lot easier.
The urge that most people feel to have kids is the exact same as the urge that I have to not have kids. I do not want to raise a child.
I realized I need a certain kind of chemistry and a certain kind of look to be into someone, and like 1 percent of the population has it.
I stay on [Twitter] as Jen Kirkman, a person. It's just a way for me to connect with what I know and read everything and catch all areas.
I'm not like Woody Allen like, "Oh my god what's going to happen? Ooh Ooh Oohhh." I'm just high-strung. So I do need to do a lot of stuff.
Even if it's L.A. and it's warmer, we're not supposed to be revving up right now. I don't like everyone's energy around [winter] time of year.
Don't make being a girl or a victim part of your stand-up act. If you encounter sexism in the business, don't bring it on stage; it's not funny.
That's the same thing that is making me like George W. Bush. "He was nice. I know he was nice. He didn't know what he was doing but he was nice."
I'm just going to go to schools and give inspirational speeches about our bodies. I'll just wear flowing dresses and talk way quieter than I can.
Not everyone is there to get an abortion. Your body is like a car that has needs and women's bodies constantly need a level of care that men don't.
Have you ever seen the stereotype of the angry yoga teacher? There are some people that are at an 11 and yoga takes them down to a nine. That's me.
If, for some reason, everyone knew who I was without me having to have my own TV show, that's what I would do. That way, I could do less shows a year.
I just try to live a moderate life of always checking and trying to be the best person I can be and I'm in therapy and am always working on something.
I finally understand that it’s okay to be a little afraid of things but that obsessing over them does not mean you have any more control over what you fear.
I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home every night. I try to make humor out of that situation.
I want to travel the world and enjoy things, so if you gave me $50 million and said, 'You can never perform again,' I probably would take it and be fine with it.
I don't run around feeling infused with positivity, but I'll have to be taking my last breath before I'll admit I'm dying. So I'm either optimistic or in denial.
People said to me, "You know, when you record a special, you're going to regret it. The one thing you'll regret because you're a comic is you'll think of better tags."
[People] might turn into [Donald] Trump supporters who think, "Hey, I get what women are saying." So any chance I get to have people listen that should hear me is good.
I really will never understand pushing back on comedians who are like, "I'm like a politician campaigning and shaking hands with these people. They're going to be okay."
I want to re-visit everything. We're people and we're so different. I think it would just be nice if it wasn't just like, "Eww, women." That would be a big thing for me.
My birthday is in August - right before September, so I have that "back to school" feeling ingrained in me so that time of year is when I usually do personal goals or resolutions.
God, there's teaching biology and teaching sexuality, and it's two separate things. They mix it and make it more of a morality thing where it's like, "A man and woman have a baby."
I have no choice sometimes, but there's something about being alone. When I'm alone I might not speak for 24 hours, but you're totally seeing things. It's a pretty cool experience.
I'd also talk about the period and of course all the different gender things that people might feel that they are. I'd be a terrible teacher because of what I don't know about that.
I don't understand why every single person in Congress isn't standing up and going, "He [Donald Trump] is in bed with Russia." And then they could just lock their arms and not let him in.
Instead of saving for someone else's college education, I'm currently saving for a luxury retirement community replete with golf carts and handsome young male nurses who love butterscotch.
Have you ever tried to talk to a baby or a toddler? They never look you square in the eyes, they know about three words, and God forbid they ever ask you how you're doing. It's all about them!
I think that, for me, my favorite thing to do is perform standup onstage. Everything else I do is for the exposure to do more stand-up onstage, and for the money, and for the health insurance.
My curriculum would be the whole year. It would be really slow and it would be about human anatomy. I would teach people about women's bodies so they understand what Planned Parenthood is for.