Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm really big on hormones.
Any expectation is what pain is.
I'm not a big fan of young people.
I don't like to joke about dating.
I'm the queen of outside speakers.
I stay on [Twitter] because I deserve to.
I don't know. Maybe [sex-ed] is my new calling?
I'm wired to be neurotic and loud and high-strung.
Sitcoms are what got me excited about show business.
It's much easier to make jokes about not having kids.
I'm sure kids had masturbated by sixth grade. I had for sure.
By the time I started doing stand-up, the club scene had died.
I always try to be open to whatever the universe wants from me.
I just feel like estrogen is bad hormones, and seen as shameful.
Everyone traveling alone is just on their phones the whole time.
I have a new rule where I only follow fashion people on Instagram.
Testosterone makes you completely out of control, but that's okay.
I actually really do meditation and then I spend my morning reading.
I think March and fall are natural seasons for me to feel invigorated.
I don't have anything to do all year. I'm not on tour until September.
I have no interest in saying "This is who I am! This is what I'm like!"
If I could make crazy money just doing stand-up, that's what I would do.
I thought that's what happened to women: You live alone when you're old.
[Yoga] never calms me. Ever. But it certainly helps me prevent something.
I don't have that addictive, "What's going on?" feeling anymore, thank god.
The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.
I'm not anxious, I'm high-strung. I just decided that's the difference for me.
Having a child is a lifetime commitment, the biggest one you can possibly make.
I think Twitter is kind of boring, to be honest. To me, it's not even real life.
I log out of Twitter on my computer so I have to log in and then I log back out.
What I found out about myself was I am not someone who doesn't believe in marriage.
Use your passport for domestic trips, so that way you don't risk losing your license.
A lot of times that I'm single is not for a lack of anyone being interested; it's me.
[Congress] can just make [Mitt] Romney president. And we'd be like, "All right, fine."
If I write a joke, sometimes people will call it a 'lie,' and I'm fascinated with that.
People think anything done from a woman's perspective is only going to appeal to women.
I'm still hibernating so I get really frustrated with other people's goals and just stop.
I don't like news channels so I have six websites that I check and I get the daily update.
I rarely have out-of-town visitors because you have to do things like take them around L.A.
It [sex-ed] was such a slow rollout for me. I just didn't know what the hell was happening.
Parenthood can be very rewarding, but let's face it, so are margaritas at the adults-only pool.
I know everyone says they go to yoga, but I actually really go. I notice that helps me so much.
Sometimes I look [ on trolls on Twitter], but even one ignorant comment can make me go, "Oh god."
Don't overpack your carry-on. You're never going to read that second book or that fourth magazine.
I'd love to be a hit in Germany. I'm working on trying to get a gig as David Hasselhoff's opening act.
I want to be one of those cool people that's like, "What is Twitter?" and just be totally blind to it.
For me, making any kind of resolution or saying, "I'm doing this!" can only cause pain, to get very deep.
I'm wildly different than Maria Bamford or Sarah Silverman, and might be more similar to some male comics.
Asking questions about why I don't want kids is really none of your business, but at least it's a dialogue.
My mother was like, "What did they teach you?", and I had never talked about that [sex-ed] so I freaked out.