Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I model irregular clothing.
I saw a stationery store move.
You know what burns me? Matches.
I was born nine months premature.
Do you know it was a year a ago today?
People read me but they don't subscribe.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist - she did everybody.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
My boss told me to get my butt in gear. I told him I was shiftless.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.
My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent. They kicked me out for pan-handling.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be', they told me it wasn't enough.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.