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Two Americans have been awarded the Nobel Prize for Economics. They are the first to figure out all the charges on their telephone bill.
They determined who got the first question by a coin toss, to which Sarah Palin said, 'Oh, what a coincidence, that's how I got picked.'
Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?
I don't know why it's so hard to believe women. You to go Saudi Arabia and you need two women to testify against a man. Here you need 25.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton.
A survey has shown that the average man has had sex in a car 15 times. Something to keep in mind next time you're looking for a used car.
Dean's wife, Judith Steinberg, made a rare appearance with Dean. She's a doctor, so I guess they brought her in to stop the hemorrhaging.
There is a penalty for trying to knock down a cockpit door, but it's the people who try to go from coach to 1st class they really beat up.
Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment.
It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.
Six women have come forward that say Arnold Schwarzenegger groped them without their consent. This proves he would be a hands-on governor.
Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.
We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.
The Catholic Church is still very angry about The Da Vinci Code - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot.
The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.
At the airport if you refuse to be patted down, they arrest you. And what's the first thing they do when they arrest you? They pat you down.
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?
Nike actually has a pair of shoes called Air-Turbulence. Try getting past airline security wearing those. Might as well call them Air-Osama.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items -- like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?
Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'
If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.
Family planning experts are now recommending giving men vasectomy gift cards for the holidays. Talk about taking the jingle out of the bells.
Last week convicted Enron crook Ken Lay died of a heart attack. They announced they were going to cremate him. Where he's going, why bother?.
Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.
The French announced today that they would not help us remove Saddam from Iraq. Well Duh! They didn't even help us remove Hitler from France.
You could do anything in your room at college. You could smoke pot, live in a coed dorm, have a girl. But you couldn't have a . . . hot plate!
Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages.
President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.
President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - “Safer, Stronger, and Tested.” Isn't that a condom ad?
Apparently, Osama bin Laden was killed with money and phone numbers sewn into his clothing. So we got him right before he left for summer camp.
The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November.
How about this John Edwards thing? Imagine that, a personal injury attorney who turns out to be a sleaze ball. Who could have seen that coming?
I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.
According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.
Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.
On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'
Warren Buffett's company reportedly owes the IRS a billion dollars in back taxes. When he said he wasn't paying enough taxes, he wasn't kidding.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Starbuck's is going to start selling instant coffee. This is for people who want the quality of Sanka, but want to pay the high Starbuck's price.
Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.
These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.
The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.
Playboy magazine is now doing a 'Women of Enron' pictorial spread. ... Apparently the only thing these women have left to shred is their dignity.
Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. I already know what I'm going to do. I want a car that will read the other guy's mind.
Elections in L.A. are so different. Here you've got politicians with phony smiles making false promises to voters with fake boobs and bad toupees.